Finding My Way Home Page 10
“You’re right, Dad. I should go back and speak to her. I’ll talk to you later.”
I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ve lost my wife. What else can I do but agree to whatever my wife wants? I pull up my big boy pants and go back to her room. She is still sitting on the edge of the bed. She hasn’t moved since I left. She looks up when I enter the room, and I see her face is wet with tears. Fuck! She has been crying, and it’s my fault.
I walk over to her and hold her in my arms. “I am so sorry Diane. I never meant to yell at you. Whatever you want to do is fine with me. I only want you to be happy. Jerry told me what you said to him earlier, and it is okay with me. Whatever you want to do is okay with me.”
“You won’t be mad if I don’t come home?”
“No, I won’t be mad at you. In fact, I just spoke to my dad, and he has a room all ready for you in his house. My father, being the wise person that he is, anticipated this would happen, and he’s ready for you. Obviously, I’m too fucking stupid to see what’s been staring me in the face for a few weeks. I had hoped you would feel comfortable enough by the time you finished rehab to come home with me. That’s not going to happen now, and it’s okay. You couldn’t be in safer hands. There is no one I trust more than my parents.” I feel her body sag against mine. She is obviously relieved that she will have somewhere to live when she leaves the hospital.
“Thank you, Ethan. I don’t know what else to say. I am so tired. I just want to leave this place.”
I am about to respond when I see Joey and Kellie standing in the doorway. They hesitate when they see Diane crying. I wave for them to come into the room. Might as well tell them now.
“Why is she crying? Did something happen to her?” The concern in my son’s voice breaks my heart. I hate doing this to them.
“Diane and I had a conversation earlier, and I unintentionally upset her. I am here now to apologize. Diane does not feel comfortable coming home when she is released from the hospital. Before you say anything, I want you to understand her reasoning.”
Before I have a chance to speak, Diane interrupts me. “I can talk for myself, Ethan.”
Her suddenly sharp tongue grates on my nerves. “Of course, you can. I’ll leave you alone with Kellie and Joey.” I find myself walking out of this room pissed off a lot today. I’m not going far because this conversation will go downhill quickly.
Diane
The look on their sweet faces upsets me. Whatever I say to them will not be pleasant. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to hurt them, but it’s better if I explain this now rather than have Kellie and Joey expect something that may never happen.
“Please, sit down and let me explain why I won’t be coming home with your father. It is too painful for me seeing a life that I no longer remember. There is no guarantee that I will regain my memory. Imagine how you would feel if everything you have loved in your life was suddenly gone. Everyone tells me that I have a family. I look at the two of you, and I don’t know you. I don’t know where I belong.”
“I have to relearn everything. It’s not going to be easy for me, and I already feel an enormous amount of stress. I think it would be better for me to live somewhere else while I try to figure out how to live the rest of my life with no past. I don’t want to upset the two of you. It’s not your fault. It’s not Ethan’s fault. This is something that I must do for me, and no one else. Can you understand and not hate me?”
Kellie is on the verge of tears. I knew this would hurt her. She looks like a sweet child. God, this is so difficult. When she reaches out to hold my hand, I fight the urge to pull back.
“Where will you live? Can we visit you?”
“Ethan’s parents have agreed to let me live with them. I think this is the best solution. I need help with so many things Kellie. Your grandparents are going to help me, and yes, you can visit me.”
“We can also help you. I don’t understand why you want to push us away!” Joey is angry, and I don’t blame him.
“It’s not that I am pushing you away. I need time to adjust to what has happened, and being in the house that I once lived in will be too painful for me. I need a neutral space where I will feel less anxious.”
“You’re not the only one who lost something, Diane! We lost our mother and our best friend. Do you have any idea how lonely it is in our house without you? Do you know how much I hate calling you by your name? You are our mother!”
Kellie is crying now. Something deep within me wants to comfort her, but I can’t. It’s not right if I have no feelings for her. Ethan hears her crying, and when he comes back into the room, she runs to him. Her sobs are the only sound in the room.
Ethan is so tender with her. “It’s okay baby. Let’s go home, and we’ll cuddle in bed and talk about it, sweetheart.”
“Yeah, I don’t want to be here. I don’t like her. She’s not my Mommy.”
Joey’s eyes shoot daggers at me as he leaves the room. Ethan turns to look at me, and I see tears in his eyes. He says nothing to me as he follows Joey into the hallway.
What have I done? Am I making the wrong decision?
Ethan
I don’t want to take the children home, not while they are still so upset. I hate this. I hate that they must suffer. This situation is impossible for everyone, and while I fucking hate what Diane is doing to our children, I understand it, even if I don’t accept it. Kellie hasn’t stopped crying since we got into the car. Joey is doing his best to comfort her, but I can see that he is also on the verge of tears. I decide that we all need something to eat. I haven’t eaten all day, and my stomach is rolling.
“Is anyone hungry? We can stop at Benny’s for burgers, fries, and milkshakes.”
Joey is the first to respond. “I could eat something.,” which is Joey’s code for “I’m starving.”
“How about you, Munchkin, are you hungry?”
“Don’t call me Munchkin anymore. I don’t like it. She called me that, and I don’t like her.”
I cannot have my daughter hating her mother. This is unacceptable behavior, and I need to put a stop to it now. I find the first parking space available, park the car, and turn around to face my children. “I want you to listen to me. I will not have you saying bad things about your mother. I know you are upset. I am also angry, but you must remember, this is not her fault. She did not ask that person to hit her car. Do you think she wants to be like this? No, she doesn’t, and your mother is very upset and scared. If she needs time to adjust to everything, we will give her that time. Granny and Gramps will take good care of Mom, and we can visit at any time. We need to be understanding sweetheart; it’s not easy for Mom right now.”
Kellie stares at me and doesn’t say a word, which is a sign that she’s thinking about what I just said. I pull out of the parking spot and continue driving to the restaurant. The kids are quiet as we eat dinner. Kellie plays with her food, Joey plays with his phone, and I answer a few emails. This is a miserable ending to a sad day.
Chapter Eighteen
Diane
One Month later
So much has happened to me the past few weeks. I would be lying if I said therapy was fun. It wasn’t, and my leg still aches, but I can finally walk with a cane. My arm is still a little stiff, but with continued in-house therapy, I will recover fully. My memories, however, have not come back to me. I have been seeing the psychologist three times a week, and he is helping me to cope with all of this. Ethan has been reserved and distant to me since I told him I was not coming home. He’s polite, but he is not talking to me. I don’t know what to do. Steve and Catherine visit me often, and I feel comfortable with them. My room is ready and waiting for me.
Tomorrow I am leaving this place with a file full of recommendations and therapy that I must do at home. It feels strange saying the word home when I feel so alone in this world. I don’t have a home, not one that I can remember. Steve gave me a cell phone yesterday and showed me how to use it. It’s the little th
ings you take for granted until you can no longer do them, and something as simple as using a cell phone is a big production. As I lay here in the darkness of my room, my cell rings. I reach for it, and I am surprised to see that Ethan is calling me.
“Hello, Ethan. How are you?”
“I was calling to ask you the same thing. I know you are being discharged tomorrow, and I wanted to talk to you.”
“What is it that you want to say to me? You haven’t been very friendly the past month. I thought you no longer cared what happened to me.”
Ethan sighs into the phone. “I care Diane. You have no idea how much I care. I am protecting my heart because my worse fear is that you will leave me. Once you are discharged from the hospital, your life will change, and I am afraid that we will lose each other.”
“I have spent a lot of time with your parents lately, and they have shared some of their memories with me. Ethan, I don’t want to live my life alone. It terrifies me, and if I am honest with myself, I am having reservations about living with your parents. I also think that once I can take care of myself, I will feel more optimistic about the future.”
“Does that future include Kellie, Joey, and me?”
“I hope it does, Ethan. I just need a little time.”
“Can I visit you? Maybe we can go out to dinner, and see a movie.”
“I would like that Ethan. I think if we can build a new connection, life would be easier for everyone. How are Kellie and Joey?”
“Well, Kellie is still mad at you. She is only eight and doesn’t understand. I have tried many times to help her, but she doesn’t want to hear it. In her mind, Mommy doesn’t love her. Joey still has trouble sleeping at night, and I am worried about him. I don’t want him to fail and not graduate.”
“I feel so guilty Ethan. They are the casualties in all of this, and I don’t know how I can help them.”
“I think if you let them visit often, they will feel more at ease with the way you are now.”
“How am I now? How have I changed since the accident?” Ethan doesn’t answer me for several tense seconds. I am afraid to hear what he has to say to me.
“I have avoided talking about our intimate relationship because I felt it was unfair to you. However, I think you need to hear what I have to say. I am still in the hospital. I’ll be in your room in ten minutes. I need to say these things to you in person.”
“Okay, I’ll be waiting for you.”
Ethan
My heart is pounding as I run to her room. Am I doing this now? How will she accept what I must say to her? Diane needs to know how much I love her. Now is the time to tell her. Diane is sitting in the chair by the window, and she looks so much better. She finally has a little hair on her head, and her skin is no longer a sickly pale color.
I walk over to her and take her hand in mine. “I am so sorry for the way I have been behaving lately. I was hurt and upset when you said you did not want to come home. The house feels empty without you. I miss coming home after a long day to a kiss and a glass of wine. We would sit for a few minutes and talk about our day. It gave me comfort knowing you are home waiting for me.”
“Kellie and Joey are adjusting to not having you at home, but they are struggling with this new reality. They rarely talk about you, and that concerns me. You are still their mother, whether you live with us or not. Kellie is still mad at you, and Joey’s coping mechanism is avoidance. I don’t want him distracted, and I have been leaving him alone so he can focus on his studies. He cannot fail, or his acceptance into college will be withdrawn.”
My eyes never leave Diane as I speak to her. She is twisting the blanket in her hands. She always does this when she is nervous. I don’t think she realizes that what she is doing is an ingrained behavior. Are some things coming back to her? I don’t want to press the issue. I promised to give her time, but I also want to give her something to think about, and that is how much I love her.
“I miss you, Diane. I miss arguing about who is going to load the dishwasher. I miss arguing about whose turn it is to help Kellie with her homework. I miss feeling your body pressed up against my back at night while you sleep. I miss making love to you Diane. There isn’t one damn thing that I don’t miss. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the accident. Thankfully, Joey is now sleeping in his room.”
“I don’t say these things to make you feel uncomfortable. I say this because I love you madly, Diane. You own my heart, and I am terrified of losing you. I don’t know how you feel about us, how you feel about re-connecting as a family. Can you keep an open mind and let us in slowly? Can we rebuild our family? It may not be the same as it once was, but I know we can have a happy life together. I believe that somewhere deep within you are trapped memories. We must find a way to bring them to the surface. Are you willing to work with me?”
Diane
“I have had a lot of time to think about everything since the last time we spoke to each other. You were so angry with me, and I don’t blame you. Dr. Griffith has been working miracles with me these past few weeks. I’m sorry that I said I wanted to die. I don’t want to die. I was so emotional that day, and it scared me to realize how close I came to dying. It scared me seeing you so angry with me.”
“What I fear most is trying to live in a world that is foreign to me. If you asked me what school I taught at, I couldn’t tell you. If you asked me how to cook something, I would say I don’t know. I feel like the world overwhelms me. I lay in bed at night and worry about everything. Your mother and father have been so helpful. Steve bought me a new phone, and Catherine moved some of my clothing to my new room. They try hard to keep a positive attitude. I wish I could do the same, but as soon as my mind thinks about the challenges that face me, I crumble. I want so much to lean on you Ethan, but I can’t. I have to do this to feel normal. I have to prove that I can re-learn what I had lost.”
“I am also worried about Kellie and Joey. I do not want to lie to them and say I have feelings that I don’t have. They deserve the truth, even if it’s not what they want to hear from me. Tomorrow I start my new life, and I plan to take it one day at a time. Steve has a list of things we need to work on. Next week, it’s learning how to wash my clothes, and he has arranged for a tutor to help me learn how to write. Catherine is helping me with my reading, and we have a few cooking lessons also.”
“I want you to know that I am very grateful for everything you have done for me. I would like to know you Ethan, and I want you to share with me memories of our life together. I want to feel a connection to you, Kellie, and Joey because if I am to live my life with no past, I need to know things about myself.” Ethan smiles at me, and I know I’ve made him happy.
“I am so glad to hear that, Diane. I’ve been so worried about the future. My days are lonely, and the nights are hell for me. I won’t lie to you and say that I am happy about this arrangement, because I’m not happy, but I do understand the reason why you chose not to come home with me. My parents are thrilled that you trust them with something so important. All that I ask is you keep the lines of communication open with all of us. Kellie and Joey will want to visit you. It’s only a matter of time before they get over being angry.”
“I don’t want them to be upset with me. I don’t want anyone being mad at me. I’m trying the best I can, Ethan. I just need a little space.” Ethan reaches behind my wheelchair and hands me a gift bag. “What’s this?”
“It’s a present for you. I thought you might want to have us with you while you’re at my parent’s house. It might help you to see your past, rather than me telling you about it.”
I pull out the tissue paper from the bag, and inside it is several photo albums, each one dated. It’s a very thoughtful gift. The first album is of our time in high school. My eyes burn with tears as I look through some of the pictures. I don’t recognize myself, but I do see the happiness in my eyes.
“It feels strange looking at this face, knowing it is me, and yet the only thing I recog
nize are my eyes. Thank you, Ethan. This is a wonderful gift, and I will treasure it always.”
There is another present at the bottom of the bag, a ring box. I look at Ethan, and I can see by the look on his face that he is having second thoughts about this gift. When I open the box, a set of beautiful rings sparkles at me. The diamonds are beautiful. “Oh Ethan, what is this?”
“My brother removed all of your jewelry before the operation. I hesitated to give this to you so soon. However, they will always belong to you. I gave you a new set of rings for our twentieth anniversary. I want you to have them as a testament of my love for you. I wear a matching band, and I will never remove it from my finger. I want you to wear them on your right hand, and when the time comes that you feel you are ready to go home, move them to your left ring finger. When I see the rings on your left hand, I will know that you are once again my wife, in every way that matters most.”
I remove the rings from the box and slide them onto my right ring finger. They fit perfectly, as I expected them to. Ethan leans forward and kisses my ring finger. My heart skips a beat when he kisses my hand. I hope I remember how much I loved him, because Ethan is a good man, and I can only assume that we had a good life together. I hope the pictures give me a glimpse of my life with him and the children.
“Let’s get you back into bed. It’s getting late, and I can’t have you getting tired the day before you are discharged. My brother will kick my ass.”
I nod in agreement, and when I am settled in bed, Ethan bends down and places a kiss on my forehead. I know he wants to give me a hug, and to my surprise, I want him to wrap his arms around me.
“Good night sweetheart. I’ll be here early tomorrow morning with my parents.”
“Good night Ethan. Thank you again for the beautiful gifts. I will always treasure them.”
My last night in the hospital is filled with dreams of the future. I lay in bed twisting the rings on my finger. They feel smooth to the touch. After several attempts at sleep, I turn on the light and start looking at my past.