Finding My Way Home Read online

  Diane

  My memory returns to me like a flash of light.

  The operation, our day at the beach, the birthday party, and…. what happened in the park?

  I am happy, and then I realize I still do not have my memories before the accident.

  The pain in my head is intense, and then I see nothing but another flash of light.

  And then I feel it. I feel the darkness leave me. It is a wonderful feeling.

  I see Ethan standing before me, and he looks so handsome. I want to touch him.

  I want to run my fingers through Ethan’s hair.

  My hand is in Ethan’s hair. I can feel his hair!

  Is this a dream? Where am I?

  Where is he? Where is Ethan?

  Where are the children?

  Ethan

  I don’t want to wake up from this beautiful dream. I miss Diane touching me. Something wakes me from my sleep, and when I open my eyes, Diane is running her fingers through my hair. I’m afraid to move. I am so wound up right now because I know I’m awake. Diane is touching me. I reach up to touch her hand, and she doesn’t pull away from me. She keeps running her fingers through my hair. When I raise my head to look at her, Diane’s eyes are closed, but her face looks different. I can’t pinpoint what the difference is; I only know I see a change in her.

  I am trying to get my father’s attention, but the stupid fucking movie is so goddamn loud, a bomb could drop, and no one would hear it. I pick up the book that I was reading and throw it across the room. It hits my mother’s leg, and when she looks over at me with a questioning expression on her face, I signal for her to come over to the bed. When she does, the look on her face is priceless. Diane’s hand hasn’t stopped touching me for the last five minutes. Then it happens; Diane opens her eyes. When she sees me, a single tear runs down the side of her face. I whisper to my mother, “Get Kellie out of the room. I don’t want her to see this in the event we have a problem. Tell Dad to call for an ambulance. I need to get Diane to the hospital as soon as possible.”

  My mother walks over to my father and whispers in his ear. He looks over at me with a stunned expression on his face, nods, and leaves the room.

  My mother then walks over to Kellie. “Ok, young lady, it’s time to go to bed. You are up way past your bedtime.”

  “Do I have to Granny?”

  “Yes, you do, sweetheart. Granny and Gramps are a little tired, and we want to go to bed. You can finish watching the movie tomorrow. Go on now, run upstairs, brush your teeth, and put on your pajamas. I’ll be up in a few minutes to tuck you in.”

  “Okay, Granny, but I protest. It’s summertime. I should be allowed to stay up as late as I want.”

  “Well, listen to you! Don’t make me tell you again.”

  “Okay…okay…I’m going.”

  *****

  Once Kellie is out of the room, I stand and sit next to Diane. Her eyes are wide and focused on my face. I lean in and whisper to her, “Welcome back sweetheart. I’ve missed you.”

  Diane tries to speak, but the nasogastric tube is irritating her throat. I try to soothe her. “It’s ok sweetheart. I’ll remove the tube now. Close your eyes, honey.” I don’t want her watching me remove the tube. My mother stands next to the bed and holds her hand. Diane gags a few times as I remove the tube.

  “Does that feel better honey?”

  Diane nods her head yes.

  “Do you know who I am, Diane?”

  Another nod yes, this is good.

  “Do you know where you are?”

  I raise the bed, which makes it easier for Diane to see the room. Her eyes focus on the pictures of our children. She raises her hand and points to them. I walk over to the wall and remove the picture of them taken last Christmas. When I give it to Diane, she clutches the picture to her heart. Oh, God, does she remember us? I’m so afraid to ask her, and it takes all my strength to keep my mouth shut. Off in the distance, I hear the sirens. While I wait, I call Craig. He answers on the second ring.

  “Is everything okay, Ethan?”

  “Diane is awake. I’ve called for an ambulance, and we should be at the hospital in less than 30 minutes. Can you meet us in the emergency room?”

  “I’m still at the hospital, and I’ll meet you at the emergency entrance.”

  *****

  Thirty minutes later, Diane is in an exam room. She hasn’t let go of my hand the entire time we were in the ambulance. Diane is frightened; I can see it in her eyes. She is still holding the picture of our children. Her mouth is moving. She’s trying to say something, but her throat is raw from the nasogastric tube. Sensing her fear, I climb onto the bed and hold her in my arms. When Diane curls her body against mine, I feel like I’ve awakened from a nightmare. Whatever happens in the future, my wife feels safe with me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted since this nightmare began. I no longer care if she regains her memory. I just want to hold my wife in my arms and feel her respond to me.

  Craig is surprised to see us in bed together. He smiles and asks me to leave the room. This time, I’m not in a state of panic as I wait for him to complete his examination. My father and brother are in the waiting room with me.

  “Is Mom with Kellie?”

  “Yes,” my father said. “Kellie is sound asleep, and we thought it would be best to let her sleep. How is Diane?”

  “She is awake, and Craig is with her now. She let me hold her, Dad.” Just saying the words breaks me. I sink into the chair and cry like a goddamn baby. I don’t care who sees me crying. The relief that I feel is immense. I know I can handle anything as long as Diane is conscious. My brother sits next to me and drapes his arm around my shoulder. The three of us sit in silence and wait. All I seem to do lately is wait. Wait for a response. Wait for movement. Wait for my son to come home. Wait…Wait…Wait. I am not known for having patience, but the past six months have tested me to the point of madness. I have never felt as emotionally and physically drained as I am now.

  Months of sleepless nights combined with constant worry have changed me. I now see age lines around my eyes and gray around the temples. I’ve gained a few pounds because I am unable to jog or go to the gym. My constant fear of leaving Diane alone has caught up to me. Her health and wellbeing are foremost in my mind. As I wait for Craig to finish his examination, I pray to a higher power to help my wife. The thought of her having a permanent disability is incomprehensible. My mind refuses to go there.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Diane

  I am so confused. Why am I in the hospital again?

  It takes me a few minutes to realize that I’ve been sick again.

  A doctor is asking me questions, but I can’t focus on what he is saying.

  It takes all my concentration to listen to him.

  What is wrong with me?

  “Diane, my name is Craig Jenkins. Can you understand me? Nod your head if you understand me.”

  Why is he asking me to nod my head? I do as he asks, and he smiles at me.

  “That’s good Diane. Do you know where you are?”

  Of course, I know where I am. I’m in a hospital. What’s wrong with my voice? I nod yes again.

  While he is speaking to me, a nurse is sticking me with a needle. Why do they always have to stick me with a needle? A flash of memory hits me suddenly. I’ve done this before. I look down at my arm, and I don’t see a cast.

  It’s all coming back to me, and my head is throbbing. I had an operation. I had a broken leg, arm, and ribs. I had problems with my memory. They cut off my hair.

  I bang my hand on the table to get the doctor’s attention. I move my hand along the table to simulate writing. He gets what I am trying to say and gives me a piece of paper and a pen.

  I write, “Where is Ethan? I need him, now.”

  I hand the paper to him, and he asks the nurse to get Ethan for me. While I wait for him, I make a decision that will change my life as I know it now. I move my rings to my left hand. I don’t want to be alo
ne in this world. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but today, I am going home to my family.

  Ethan

  I am so lost in thought; I do not see the nurse standing in front of me.

  “Dr. Miller, your wife is asking to see you.”

  I am stunned. “Diane is asking for me?” I ask like a fucking idiot.

  “Yes. Come with me please.”

  I look at my dad, and he is smiling at me. “Go. We’ll wait here for you.”

  My legs feel like rubber as I follow the nurse. When I walk into the room, Craig hands me a piece of paper. What I see has me falling to my knees. Gut wrenching sobs escape me. I can’t help how I feel at this moment. I hold the piece of paper to my chest. I want to keep it forever because these words will stay with me for the rest of my life. The note said, “I remember everything after the accident. I need you, Ethan. Please hold me. I’m afraid.”

  I don’t know how long I remain on the floor. I can’t move. My body feels frozen in time. My mind is racing. I hear movement in the room, and then I feel Craig’s hand on my arm. He’s whispering to me. “Ethan, get up off the floor. Diane needs you.” Diane needs me. That’s all the motivation I need to stand. When I do, her beautiful face is smiling at me.

  “Everyone, out of the room,” I bark. I look up to see the nurses smiling as they leave the room.

  “You have ten minutes, Ethan. I’ll be back. We still need to run a few tests.”

  “Close the door on your way out, please.”

  Diane is looking at me, really looking at me. I see something different in her eyes. I see the recognition, and most importantly, I see the connection we have with each other. I sit next to her, open my arms, and hold the love of my life. I’m crying again, and it feels wonderful. “Oh, Diane, I’ve missed you so much. How do you feel, honey? Is your throat sore?”

  Diane nods her head yes, and reaches for the notepad.

  “I remember what you said after the operation. I died, Ethan. Then…. then what happened in the park. I was so upset after the argument with Barbara. She said awful things to me. She upset me, and I don’t know why I left the house.”

  “Those men, they would have raped me if I hadn’t fainted. My head felt like it would explode, and then everything went dark. I lost the will to live, Ethan. I wanted to die. I never wanted to feel that pain again. I didn’t want to leave all of you, but I just could not face another day without my memories.”

  “I heard everything that went on around me. I heard you reading to me. I heard Kellie and Joey talking to me. I felt Kellie lying next to me and placing George on my chest. Where are they, Ethan? I need to see them.”

  “Joey will be home tomorrow for Thanksgiving. Mom is at home with Kellie.”

  “How long have I been sick? Don’t cover it up, Ethan. Tell me the truth.”

  “It’s been almost five months Diane. The incident at the park happened on your birthday. Your parents arrived uninvited to the party we had at my parent’s house. There was an argument, and my dad asked them to leave.”

  “I remember. Bill punched you in the face. I’m sorry that happened to you, Ethan. Why do they do this to me?”

  My anger is simmering close to the surface. “I don’t know why your parents act the way they do. Let’s not talk about them. How do you feel sweetheart?”

  “I feel a little confused, and I’m having a little trouble concentrating. Is that normal?”

  “Yes. It’s a normal reaction. You’ve been through a lot the past six plus months. It’s going to take a little time to sort through everything. Physically, how do you feel?”

  “My throat feels like it's on fire, and I feel weak like my legs are tired.”

  “Don’t worry about anything. Craig is an excellent doctor, and he will take good care of you.”

  “I’m not worried as long as I have you. Ethan, please kiss me.”

  I have waited so long to hear those words from my beautiful wife. My hands gently caress Diane’s face, as I’ve done thousands of times over the years. This time, it feels different. It feels like I am touching her for the first time. Her eyes fill with tears, and I lean in and kiss them away. “No more tears, baby. You’ve come back to me, and I love you with every fiber of my being.”

  When my lips touch hers, I feel like I’ve come home from a long journey. I close my eyes and lose myself in a moment that I will never forget. Diane’s fingers run through my hair, and when I reach up to touch her hand, I freeze and break the kiss. I look at her with eyes that burn with love. “Are you sure?” I whisper against her lips.

  “I remember what you said to me. You said that when I felt I was ready to come home, I should move my rings to my left hand. At the time, I was so worried that I would never remember our life together. I was just starting to have hope that we would eventually resume our life together, even if I never regained my memories. Please take me home, Ethan.”

  *****

  Three hours later, Diane signs the discharge papers. Craig gives me a therapy plan with recommendations for speech therapy along with a psychological workup. The next few weeks will be difficult for her, but I vow I will never leave her side. The months of lying in a catatonic state have taken its toll on her body. While her esophagus is functioning normally, lack of use now requires a blended diet while we work on speech therapy, along with physical therapy. My father and brother are still waiting for me, and when I wheel Diane into the hallway, my dad kneels in front of Diane and holds her in his arms. It unnerves me to see my dad cry because it's something that I’ve only seen once in my life, and that was when my Grandmother passed away. Seeing my dad cry for my wife is a humbling feeling.

  “The heart never forgets, sweetheart. Welcome home honey, we have missed you terribly. Let’s get out of here.”

  Diane picks up the notepad. “Yeah, I never want to see another hospital for as long as I live.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Ethan

  The lights are still on in the house when I park the car, and as I lift Diane out of the car and into the wheelchair, the front door opens, and my mother runs down the driveway. She stops in front of Diane and burst out crying.

  “Oh, Diane honey, I have missed you so much. I am so happy you are finally home with us. How do you feel sweetheart?”

  I look down, and my wife’s face is a mixture of happiness, trepidation, and fear. This must be an awful shock for Diane. To realize you’ve lost months of your life, months that you’ll never get back is unnerving, to say the least. Diane is struggling to answer my mother’s question.

  “Mom, Diane’s throat is sore from the nasogastric tube, and she’s having difficulty speaking. Give her a minute to write her response. It will take a few days for her throat to recover.”

  Diane looks up and smiles at me. Picking up the notepad, she writes, “I feel tired and a little confused. All I want to do now is go to sleep. Can we talk more in the morning, please?”

  My mother leans down and kisses Diane’s forehead. “Whatever you want sweetheart, I’m just happy you are home. Kellie is sleeping, and I’ll stay the night, just in case the two of you need anything. Jerry told me that he would pick up Joey at the train station tomorrow morning. Oh, he is going to be so happy to see you, Diane. We’ve missed you so much.”

  Just mentioning Kellie and Joey have my wife smiling, and it’s that moment in time that I know that eventually, everything will be as it should be. Patience is a virtue, and I will need it because I know at some point in the next few days, or maybe weeks, PTSD will set in, and Diane will need me. I lean down to whisper to my wife, “Let’s get you in the house and into a comfortable bed. We can discuss all of this later today.”

  Once I wheel Diane into the house, I stop for a few seconds as my eyes scan the living room. We have lived in this house for close to fifteen years, and I can say in all honesty that I have never appreciated my home more than I do now. It is comforting to me and filled with precious memories that I will carry with me until I ta
ke my final breath. Just knowing that Diane is finally home, and she is once again in the comfort of our home means everything to me. The hospital room is still set up, and at this hour of the morning, it’s easier for her to sleep there, but I don’t want my wife to see all the medical equipment. I don’t want Diane to know, at this point anyway, how serious her condition was. Instead, I lift her into my arms and carry her up to our bedroom. I want to hold my wife in my arms. It’s all I’ve thought about for many months.

  When I kick open the bedroom door, I hear Diane whimper against my neck. She is crying, and I can understand why. This day is so emotional for the both of us, Diane especially. I know she has many questions to ask me, and I will tell her the truth. However, tonight I just want to hold her in my arms and close my eyes. I gently place her on top of the bed and shut the door. She is still wearing the hospital gown, and I want to take the fucking thing off her and burn it. I never want to see her wear it again. I walk into the bathroom and fill the tub with warm water. I want my girl to feel good again, and a bubble bath is just what she needs.

  When I return to our bedroom, I lift Diane into my arms and walk towards the bathroom. Her eyes dart back and forth. She is taking in her surroundings and looks up to me as we approach the bathroom. I whisper in her ear, “My girl needs a warm bubble bath and a beautiful nightgown. Let me take care of you, honey. Just close your eyes and relax, sweetheart.”

  The smile that lights up my wife’s face blind me. I’ve missed Diane’s smile, and I am so grateful to see it again. Once the water is warm enough, I remove the offending gown and throw it in the trashcan. I lift Diane into my arms and gently place her in the tub. “I know you don’t remember this Diane, but over the years, we’ve taken many baths together. I don’t want you sitting in the tub by yourself. You are still weak, and it’s not safe for you. If you feel funny about this, I’ll keep my boxers on. I just want to hold you in my arms.”

  Diane nods her acceptance, and I let out a sigh of relief. She watches me as I undress, and I see a faint spark of lust in her eyes. I feel my cock twitch, and I must tamp down the urge to stroke it. Tonight is all about Diane. I sit behind Diane and wrap my arms around her body. When she leans back and rests her head against my chest, my heart feels like it is about to burst from my chest. I reach for the washcloth and begin bathing Diane. She moans in pure joy as the water sloshes around her body. It’s been a long time since she has had a proper bath, and I am beyond happy doing this simple task for her.