Finding My Way Home Page 2

  “I want you to say a prayer for your mother. I know she feels us with her. Draw strength in prayer Joey. God is with us.”

  “Will you be with her when they operate? I don’t want her to be alone.”

  “I’ll be with her Joey. Mom will not be alone.”

  Nodding, he pulls away from me and wipes his eyes. He walks over to Diane and whispers something to her that I cannot hear, and then kisses her forehead. He turns to me and takes a deep breath.

  “Take Kellie back to my office and call your grandparents. I want everyone here as soon as possible. I need a few minutes alone with Mom.”

  Once Joey leaves the room, I carefully sit on the edge of the bed and hold my wife’s hand. Her hand feels warm against mine. I have so much to say, and yet, the words will not form in my brain. I can only think of one thing to say to her. Leaning down, I kiss the nape of her neck and whisper to her, “Come back to me my darling. I love you with all that I am. Our children need their mother. I need you, Diane. I know I don’t say it enough, but I love you to the moon and back. You hold my heart in your hands. You own my soul, and I am nothing without you. We will be waiting for you when you wake up. I love you, Diane.” I am lost in my memories when I feel a hand on my shoulder. It’s my brother.

  “It’s time Ethan. We need to prepare Diane for surgery, and I need you to sign the consent forms.”

  “I want to be in the operating room.”

  Jerry shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You are too stressed right now. I don’t need the distraction.”

  “Jerry, please, I’ll stay out of your way. I just need her to know that I’m with her.”

  Sighing, he said, “Ok, but if I see you losing your shit, you’re out of there. I mean it, Ethan.”

  “Ok, I get it. Is everyone on the surgical staff in the hospital?”

  Chapter Three

  Diane

  I hear voices. I listen to a little girl crying. Why is she crying?

  Where am I? Why can’t I move?

  I feel cold. I feel alone. I feel…fear! I’m afraid, and I don’t know why.

  Is there something wrong with me? I can’t remember anything.

  I feel hands touching me.

  What are they doing to me?

  I hear a buzzing sound, and something cold touching my skin.

  The black haze is all around me. It feels like I am floating on a cloud.

  I see faces, people that recognize me. Who are they?

  It is so beautiful where I am now. I feel safe.

  I feel nothing but peaceful. Is this heaven?

  Am I dead?

  Ethan

  My hands are shaking, but I hide them behind my back. If Jeremy sees me shaking, he will throw me out of the operating room. I keep out of everyone’s way as they prepare Diane for surgery. I know she will cry when she sees her shaved head. It saddens me to see her hair gone. I love running my fingers through it while I hold her in my arms. My stomach tightens at the thought. I close my eyes and try desperately to slow my racing heart. I can’t fall apart now. I must pay attention to the surgery.

  As the nurses continue their pre-surgery checklist, I walk over to the operating table and hold Diane’s hand. Her left arm is extended outward to accommodate the blood pressure cuff, and several IV’s. Her hand is now cold. Why is she cold? I place my fingers over her pulse point. Slow and steady. That’s good. A quick scan of her chart calms me. Heart rate, pulse, and temperature look good. It’s time for me to move out of the way. Jerry has just entered the operating room. We look at each other for a few tense seconds. My eyes speak for me. Jerry understands me and nods.

  “Okay, people. Let’s get started. Ethan, remain where you are, please.”

  It’s difficult to put into words seeing someone you love to undergo a dangerous operation. I have been a doctor for almost twenty years. I’ve seen just about everything, and yet, watching my brother perform surgery on my wife is gut wrenching. The operation is proceeding without problems, and I am relieved. My brother is an excellent surgeon. I watch his steady hands, and I am so grateful that he is the one operating on my wife. I am so focused on what he is doing that I fail to notice movement around the operating table.

  I hear Jerry yell out, “We have a bleeder. Metzenbaum Clamp. Cauterize. Suction. Sponge.”

  “Doctor, blood pressure is dropping….60 over 40. Heart rate is irregular.”

  “Continue to monitor. I can’t stop now. Norepinephrine fifteen milligrams IV push.”

  “Yes, doctor. Fifteen milligrams Norepinephrine, IV push.”

  One minute later, my entire world crumbles around me. I hear the anesthesiologist yell, “Code Red.” He immediately starts squeezing the air bag attached to the respirator. One of the nurses climbs onto the operating table and starts CPR. Another nurse runs for the defibrillator. It all happens so quickly; I have no time to react. I watch in horror as my wife hovers between life and death.

  Jerry is barking orders as he continues the operation. “Charge to two hundred joules; on three.”

  “One, two…” Jerry steps back, “three.”

  Diane’s body jerks and I hold my breath.

  “Flatline, doctor, I am charging again to two hundred joules. One, two,” Jerry steps back again, “three.”

  I hold my breath and say a silent prayer.

  “The patient is in normal sinus rhythm, doctor. Pulse is 65; blood pressure is 110 over 70.”

  Several times I fight the urge to vomit. I am afraid to leave my wife, but I can no longer control my rolling stomach. I quietly leave the operating room and run to the bathroom. My throat is on fire. My stomach is in knots as I toss what little I have left. I’m not proud of myself for losing my shit. I can’t go back now, so I take off my surgical gown, sit on the floor, and wait in the hallway. I check my phone and see several messages from my parents and in-laws. Everyone is on their way. I may be a grown man, but right now, I need my mother.

  *****

  I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting on the floor. My ass is numb, and I have a splitting headache. I think I fell asleep for a few minutes. My body is stiff, and it takes me a few seconds to get off the floor. I see one of the scrub nurses approach me. My heart leaps in my chest, and I am relieved to hear the operation is over, and Diane is in recovery. Walking behind her, I say a silent prayer of thanks that Diane made it through the surgery. Jerry is standing by her bed, writing something in her chart. The look on his face concerns me. I know my brother, and his face says everything I don’t want to know.

  “I want to see her chart, Jerry.”

  He shakes his head no. “Not until I speak to you. Come with me.”

  I silently follow my brother out into the hallway. He turns to me, and I swear to God, he looks like he’s about to cry. What the fuck happened?

  “Just say it, Jerry. Whatever it is, tell me, and we will deal with it.”

  “We almost lost her, Ethan. It’s a miracle she survived the surgery. I couldn’t lose my focus. Everyone worked like hell to save her life. I’ve made the decision to keep her in a medically induced coma. It will be touch and go for the next few days.”

  “Can I see her?”

  “Yes, but only for a few minutes. We’re moving Diane to ICU shortly.”

  I surprise my brother when I gather him in my arms. “Thank you for saving her life. I’ll never be able to repay you because when you saved her, you also saved me.” Before he can respond, I turn and walk away from him. I am too emotionally strung out to talk further. I just want to see my wife.

  I spend the next few minutes holding my wife’s hand. Diane looks so peaceful as if she were just sleeping, but I know the truth. Medically induced coma is only used in the most critical or potentially terminal patients as a tool to speed the healing process. The mind and body are in a state of total relaxation, which promotes the body’s natural ability to heal.

  Medically induced coma can go on for a few days to a few weeks, depending on
the severity of the injury. The fact that Diane’s heart stopped beating twice scares me. I look up at the monitor, and I am relieved to see a steady heart rate. The constant clicking of the respirator grates on my nerves. I lean down to kiss her forehead, check her chart, and leave the room.

  *****

  How do I tell my children their mother is in a coma? I can’t tell them the truth. It would frighten them beyond their capacity to cope. As I walk towards my office, I see my father standing outside my door drinking a cup of coffee. He sees me walking towards him. No words need to be said. He puts the cup on the floor, opens his arms, and I walk into his embrace. The familiar scent of Pinaud shoots up my nose. I’m shaking uncontrollably. I don’t want my children to see me like this. My father leads me down the corridor and away from my office. Once we are alone, I break down.

  “Let it out, son. I know you are scared. I know this is serious. I just talked to Jerry. We are here for you Ethan. Whatever you need, your mother and I will help you. Bill and Barbara took the kids to the cafeteria to get something to eat.”

  William and Barbara Denton are Diane’s parents. I am not happy that they are here. Diane’s relationship with her mother has always been bitter from as far back as high school. They never got along, and William sat back and let it happen.

  “I’m scared Dad. I feel like there is a weight crushing my chest. We have never been separated from each other. I have never slept in our bed without her. How do I do that Dad? How do I go home, get into bed, and sleep without her next to me? I don’t know what to do. I can’t think straight. How do I tell my children their mother almost died on the operating table?”

  “You don’t say anything. Kellie and Joey are too young to understand the risks involved in any surgery. Tell them what they need to hear, but keep a positive tone to your voice. Don’t forget; even though Diane is not conscious, she can hear everything. If the children are upset every time they see her, she will feel it. Diane is a healthy young woman. Give her time to heal. You are reacting as a husband when you should be acting as a doctor. Switch hats for a few days. It will keep you focused.”

  I know he is right. My father Stephen is a retired general practitioner, and my mother, Catherine is a retired nurse. “I have never felt so out of control, Dad. My mind is spinning. I need a few minutes to get it together.”

  “Go to your office and take a shower. Put on clean clothes and take as much time as you need to calm your mind. Stay focused Ethan. Diane needs you now as her doctor, not as her husband.”

  My father walks with me back to my office, and when I open the door, my mother is standing before me, arms outstretched. My mind flashes back to all of the times my mom held me and soothed away whatever made me upset. I feel like that little child now. I want to run to her and beg her to make it all right for Diane.

  She can sense my emotions. She always could, and I am counting on her to tell me what I want, no, what I need to hear. Acting as if I were a little child, I walk into her embrace. The tears flow now. I can’t stop them, and at this point, I don’t want to. I need to purge this from me now because I refuse to let my children see this in me. I need to be strong for them when inside of me, I am a weak person.

  My mother leads me to the sofa, and I desperately need her embrace. I need to feel her soft hands comfort me. I close my eyes in an attempt to stop the tears. It doesn’t work, and I only cry harder. I can’t breathe through the tears. I feel my mother’s gentle hand running up and down my back. I feel her soft lips kiss my temple. I’m five years old again, and I need this from her. It takes me several minutes to calm down. During this time, my father stands stoically by my desk, not saying anything. My mother rocks me gently, and her presence calms me. I finally wipe away the hot mess that continues to run down my face.

  “Do you feel better honey?”

  “Yeah.” It’s all I can say at the moment. I kiss my mother, walk to the bathroom, and close the door. Once I am on the other side of the door, I take a few deep breaths, turn on the shower, and attempt to wash away the stress of the morning.

  Chapter Four

  Ethan

  When I exit the bathroom, Kellie and Joey are sitting with my in-laws. They look to me for comfort, for reassurance that everything will be okay. Time to put on the mask. I open my arms, and they run to me. They both bombard me with questions. “Hold up a minute. Sit down, and I’ll explain what I can to you.”

  Everyone looks at me with fear and concern in their eyes. Bill and Barbara especially because Diane is their only child. I take a few seconds to gather my thoughts. “Mommy is still in recovery. The operation was successful, and Uncle Jerry said Mommy would be sleeping for a few days while her body recovers from the surgery.”

  “What happens when Mom wakes up?” Joey asks.

  This, I can answer. “Every operation is different Joey. No two patients react the same way after a major operation. Mom will have a lot of pain, and we can control that with medication. We also have to watch for residual swelling in the area near the injury.”

  “What’s residideal swelling Daddy?”

  I take Kellie’s hand and turn her palm up. “Do you remember when you cut your hand on the fence by the pool?” She nods her head yes. “And, do you remember how the skin around the wound was sore? Well, that’s residual swelling. The area around where you were hurt is sensitive. The same thing applies to Mommy. The area around where Uncle Jerry had to operate is sore, and some swelling is normal.”

  “But, how can they help swelling when it’s in her head? I don’t understand Daddy?”

  How do I explain a brain stent to an eight-year-old child? “Honey, Uncle Jerry is the best doctor to help Mommy. He has all kinds of secrets that he uses to help his patients. He has a special one to help Mom. I don’t want you to be scared honey. Mommy is in an excellent hospital, and Uncle Jerry will take good care of her.”

  “Will you be there too, Daddy? You are the best doctor in the world.”

  *****

  We have been at the hospital for most of the day. Kellie and Joey sleep on and off in a room one of the nurses provided. No one wants to leave the hospital. I suggested that my in-laws check into the hotel across the street from the hospital. They offer discounts on room rates for family members of hospital patients. They want to be near Diane, and I agree. I do not want my children living at the hospital. Mom and Dad have volunteered to come home with us and stay with the kids while I am at the hospital.

  Because Diane is in ICU, we are only permitted a brief visit. It kills me having to leave her all alone. I just can’t do it. I have to be with her. Once we arrive home, Mom and Dad take over for me. Kellie is exhausted, and she quickly falls asleep. Joey is too high strung to sleep. He is in his room staring at the TV. The blank expression on his face scares me. What is he thinking? I need to make sure he is okay before I go back to the hospital. His bedroom door is open, and when I walk into his room, he rolls onto his side, facing away from me. I know he doesn’t want me to see him crying. I place my hand on his shoulder, and he breaks wide open. I lay down next to my son and wrap my arm around him. He is shaking, and I try my best to comfort him.

  “It’s okay to be upset, Joey. Today is very upsetting for all of us. Your mother has the best doctors and nurses taking care of her. I’m going back to the hospital now. I want you to know that I am very proud of you son, and I love you.”

  Joey rolls over and faces me. His tear stained face affects me like a knife in the gut. I want to kill the bastard that hurt my family. We are all hurting, not just my wife.

  “Are you sure Mom will be okay? What happens if she doesn’t recover from her injuries? Will she die?”

  I don’t have a crystal ball. I can’t predict the future, and it would be careless of me to make promises that are not in my control. I won’t lie to my son. “With any surgery, there are risks involved. Mom has had a major surgery. The brain is the most delicate organ in the body. We must be patient while your mother recovers. I won’t
lie to you, Joey. It will take a long time for her to recover. We must be strong for her, but I also want you to make me a promise. If the stress gets to be overwhelming, talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be me. Mom and Dad will stay with us for a few weeks. Speak to them. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to them, call me. Don’t hold in your feelings.”

  I wrap both arms around my son and close my eyes. I remember many nights holding him like this when he was a little boy and had a nightmare. This is the worst nightmare of his young life. I can feel him relaxing in my arms. I hold him until he falls asleep. I check on my daughter one last time, and she is sleeping peacefully. I bend down to kiss her and quietly leave the room.

  Mom and Barbara are in the kitchen, and Barbara is crying. William and my dad are sitting at the other end of the table. I still need to tell them what happened during surgery. “There is something else I need to discuss with all of you. I did not want to discuss this in front of the children because it would only upset them. They’ve had enough stress for today. Diane’s heart stopped beating twice during the operation. The surgical team did a hell of a job saving her life. No one knows why her heart stopped beating.”

  “I can’t lose my baby, Catherine! Why did this have to happen to her? Bill called the police today. The driver is a twenty-year-old boy. Why was he drinking and driving? I don’t understand why? Why my baby girl?”

  My mother is at a loss for words. How do you answer these questions? Will anything she says comfort my mother-in-law? The irony of the situation annoys me. Barbara has spent the past fifteen years barely speaking to Diane, and now she sits in my kitchen showing concern that should have always been there for my wife.

  “The arresting officer called me this afternoon. I will make a mental note to return the call tomorrow morning.”

  *****

  It is almost midnight when I go back to the hospital. I’ve packed a few things, and I will sleep in my office. The invisible bond that I have with my beautiful wife makes it impossible for me to stay away from her. After depositing my bags in my office, I make my way to ICU.

  Extreme precaution is standard operating procedure when a patient is in ICU recovering from brain surgery. The stent in her scalp is prone to infection. I take a few minutes to scrub my hands, put on a surgical gown, mask, cap, gloves and booties. When I enter Diane’s room, the night nurse is checking her heart rate, blood pressure, and pulse. She looks over to me when she sees me.