Finding My Way Home Page 5

  “What Ethan is trying to say with some difficulty is that Diane has suffered memory loss due to her injury.”

  Everyone gasps, and then the tears flow. Barbara is screaming at everyone, which upsets Kellie. Now she is crying and shaking in my arms. Joey gets up and leaves the room. My father goes after him. My family is falling apart, and I can’t do anything to stop it.

  Barbara screams at me, “How did this happen? What did Jerry do to her? What happened to Diane is his fault.”

  Her accusation pisses me off. I don’t want to have an argument in front of my daughter. I turn to my mother for help. She understands my need to get Kellie out of the room. She walks over to me, lifts Kellie into her arms, and leaves the room. Now I am alone with William and Barbara. In a calm voice that surprises me, I lay it out for them. “I am going to ignore the fact that you’ve just accused my brother of malpractice. I am going to overlook the fact that you think my brother would intentionally harm my wife. You have had no contact with Diane for at least fifteen years, and now you sit here concerned for her well-being. Don’t be a hypocrite, Barbara; we know better! You of all people know Jerry is a gifted surgeon, the top in his field. It is insulting on many levels that after so many years, you would think so little of his intelligence and skill. I trust him with my life and the lives of my family. If you say or do anything to insult him, you will deal with me. Do I make myself clear?”

  Barbara’s eyes shoot daggers at me. I hope she absorbs what I’ve just said. I don’t like being harsh to her, but I will not let anyone insult my brother. William takes a step towards me, fists clenched. “Who the hell do you think you are, talking to us this way? Our daughter has a serious problem, and you sit there defending your brother. How do you know this is not his fault? How can you be sure he didn’t do something wrong during the operation? She stopped breathing twice. How do we know it’s not his fault? I want answers, Ethan!”

  William shoves me back a few steps, and it takes all of my strength to keep from planting my fist in his fucking face. “Touch me again, and I will have you thrown out of this hospital.”

  “Just answer the goddamn question, Ethan. Stop the bullshit.”

  “I was in the operating room and witnessed what had happened. The surgery was progressing on schedule. No one knows what caused Diane’s heart to stop beating. I’ve reviewed her chart dozens of times this past week, looking for anything that would explain what had happened. Could the anesthesia have caused it? Maybe. There are risks with any surgery, but I am very relieved that Diane had the best surgical team because, without them, we would have lost her. So, before you throw accusations at me, or my brother, think twice before you speak to me again.”

  “You have kept your distance from Diane for many years. Don’t stand before me now acting like the grieving parents. Are you concerned about your daughter? Probably yes, but you should have shown her that concern for the past fifteen plus years.”

  “Diane is recovering on schedule. No one knows how blunt force trauma affects the brain. Diane’s injury is to the cerebral cortex, which controls the memory. Don’t you think I want to scream a thousand times why? Why did this happen to her? Do you have any idea how it felt when she looked at me and had no clue who I was? I’m dying inside William, and I don’t need accusations of malpractice against Jerry. I don’t need you putting your hands on me to make a point. Keep the fuck away from me. I am going to visit her now to assess the situation. Wait here, and I will let you know if it is okay to see Diane.” I walk away before I let my fists do the talking for me.

  My son and daughter are still in the hallway, and I walk over to them, pick up Kellie, and motion for Joey to follow me. I need a few minutes to talk to my children. I take them to a quiet place, the chapel and explain everything. Kellie doesn’t fully understand, but Joey does, and the look on his face crushes me. A few minutes later, we are standing outside her room. I bend down to talk to Kellie. “Don’t forget honey. Mommy doesn’t remember us because of the accident. If Mommy looks confused, it’s because she is. Are you ready to see her?”

  “Yes, Daddy, but I’m scared. Will you hold my hand?”

  I love this sweet child with all that I am. “Of course, I’ll hold your hand.” Joey follows me but stays silent.

  *****

  Diane is surprised to see us standing in her room. I can see her trying to recall who we are. Kellie walks to the edge of the bed and tentatively reaches out to touch Diane’s hand. She recoils from the touch, and Kellie hides behind me.

  She is looking at me intently. Her eyes are asking me, “Who are you?”

  She looks back and forth to Kellie, Joey, and then back to me. “I d-don’t know you. Who are y-you?”

  “I am your husband, Ethan Miller, and these are our children, Kellie, and Joey. Kellie is eight years old, and Joey is seventeen years old. Your name is Diane Miller. You do not have to be afraid. We are here to help you, honey.”

  Diane looks frightened, and when I reach out to hold her hand, she pulls away from me. I sit down in the chair next to her bed and try to explain what has happened to her. “You had a car accident, Diane, and you needed an operation to repair the injury. You also have a concussion, and these two injuries are causing your memory loss.”

  Joey sits on the other side of the bed. “Everything is okay, Mom. We only want to help you.”

  “Do you want to see a few pictures of our family?” When she nods yes, I reach for my cell phone. “These pictures were taken a few months ago at the zoo.”

  I scroll through at least one hundred pictures of that day. One picture has her attention. It was a picture of the four of us taken in front of the fountain at the main gate. We are all smiling and acting silly. Diane stares at it and blinks several times. Tears stain her beautiful face.

  Kellie reaches out again to touch her mother’s hand. “It’s okay Mommy. You can cry, and we will take care of you.”

  Diane looks at Joey. She tries several times to form the words but gives up. Tears well in her eyes and then she turns her face away from us.

  I see my son struggling with his emotions. He needs my help. “Please honey, try to relax. We will take it one day at a time, no matter how long it takes. We love you very much, and we will help you recover. I will be here every day, Diane.”

  I look up to see William and Barbara standing in the doorway. Why are they here now? I told them to wait. Goddamn it, they are going to upset Diane. Barbara is crying again. “Your parents want to see you. Are you up to having visitors?”

  She shakes her head no. I look up and shake my head no. They walk away without saying a word. Diane raises her hand and rubs her head. Tears stream down her beautiful face.

  “I know it hurts honey. Today has been a stressful day for everyone. Get some rest, and we’ll come back tomorrow.

  Chapter Nine

  Diane

  I have children. I have a husband. I have parents.

  Why can’t I remember any of them?

  The little girl is beautiful. Does the girl look like me?

  I can’t get out of bed. The other doctor told me that I have a broken leg.

  How bad was the accident? I need answers.

  I press the help button and a few seconds later; the nurse enters my room.

  “What can I do for you, Diane?”

  I try to speak again, but it is impossible to tell her what I want.

  What is wrong with me? I know what I want to say!

  The nurse looks confused. “Do you need me to call your husband?”

  I shake my head no. I point to my leg. I hope she understands what I am desperately trying to convey.

  I can see that the nurse doesn’t want to tell me anything.

  She said, “Let me get the doctor on call. I will be back in a few minutes.”

  Several minutes later, Ethan walks into my room. I told the nurse I do not want to talk to him.

  He sits on the edge of my bed, and he looks concerned for my wellbeing.

/>   “The nurse said you were pointing at your leg. Do you have questions about the accident?”

  The doctor, Ethan…my husband…I don’t know what to call him, moves closer to me.

  He tries to hold my hand but pulls back. I point to my leg. Please understand what I am asking!

  “Are you sure you want to hear this now? I don’t want to upset you.”

  I nod my head yes.

  Ethan

  I don’t want to do this now, but I have no choice. I can’t deny Diane the truth. She needs to know what happened to her, and what happens next. “Before I say anything, I need you to know something. As I have said before, your name is Diane Miller, and you are my wife. You are forty-four years old, and we are happily married for twenty-two years. Our children are happy, healthy, beautiful children. Kellie gives us a hard time because she would rather have a pajama party with her little friends than study. Joey is very intense and focused. He is in his last year of high school, and when he graduates, he is college bound. Kellie is a terror in sneakers. She is constantly on the move. She is curious about everything, funny as hell, and she owns my heart.”

  I want so much to tell her how much I love her, how much I have missed her, and how I can’t exist without her next to me, but I can’t. The look in her eyes is proof that she doesn’t remember us. I don’t see the spark of lust she has when she looks at me. I don’t see the love, the connection…nothing. Her eyes are dead to me, and it kills me. I am a stranger to her. This is so incredibly difficult, but I can’t lose my focus. I can’t worry about tomorrow.

  “You were on your way to work. You are a high school English teacher. It was raining, and the roads were slippery. You were driving on a two-lane road when a car in the other lane crossed over into yours, hitting you head-on. The force of the crash pushed your car into a tree. The fire department had to cut the roof off your vehicle. I was taking the kids to school when I received several messages that you were in an accident. The most serious injury was to your head. My brother Jerry operated to relieve the pressure on your brain.” I need a visual to make her understand where she was injured, and I point to the left side of my head.

  “The injury is isolated to the front left side of your brain. This area is called the cerebral cortex.” I point to that area on my head. “The cerebral cortex controls the brain's memory. The fact that you can speak is excellent news because the Broca is located right underneath the cerebral cortex. You also have a concussion, which can also affect your memory. I know this is a lot to absorb. You are still recovering and in pain. I don’t want to overwhelm you, and I need you to tell me if it gets to be too much for you. Our parents have waited patiently for the past twelve days, and they are beyond ready to see you. They just want to see you. Are you up for visitors?”

  Do I have a choice? Can I say no?

  “You can refuse visitors, however; I would suggest you at least see your parents. They are beside themselves with anxiety. Just for a few minutes and I’ll be here with you.”

  I see her hesitating, not sure of what she should do. If William and Barbara don’t see her soon, they will raise the roof off of the hospital. I don’t want another argument, but I also don’t want to force Diane to do something that makes her feel uncomfortable.

  No, I don’t want to see anyone but you. I shake my head no. It’s too much. I can’t handle this now.

  “Okay, I’ll tell them you do not want visitors. If you change your mind, you’ll let me know?” As I get up to leave, I hear Diane banging her hand on the table.

  Can you stay here for a few minutes and talk to me? Can you tell me something about my life? I’m afraid Ethan. What is going to happen to me? What if I never remember? When I bang my hand on the table again, he turns around to look at me. I signal for him to come back.

  *****

  I move closer to the bed and hold her hand. She is twisting my wedding ring. Her eyes are asking what she can’t convey. “First, let me say that nothing will ever change how much I love you. Know this with certainty. As far as your memory, we need to wait and see if this is a side effect of the surgery, and or the concussion. Let’s take it one day at a time.”

  Diane visibly relaxes, and that pleases me. So, now I’ll tell her about our life together. “We met in high school. I was on the debate team, and you were the prettiest cheerleader in the squad. Everyone wanted to date you, but you brushed everyone off. Some of my classmates dared me to ask you to the junior prom. At first, you said no, and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. Every day I left a flower in the air vent of your locker door, with a little note begging you to go to the prom with me. I made funny little jokes, and eventually, you said yes.”

  I laugh as I continue telling the story. “The other guys were so jealous and gave me a hard time because I was a nerd with glasses and braces. What you see before you today is not even close to the geek I was in high school. They wanted to know if I paid you to say yes. I remember that night as if it happened yesterday because it was the beginning of an incredible life that I have shared with you. You looked so beautiful in your pink dress, and when we walked into the auditorium, all eyes were on me, because I was with you. I don’t remember what song was playing when we danced for the first time. I only remember how nice it felt to hold you in my arms.”

  “Some of my friends tried to dance with you, but you refused. You told them that I was your boyfriend. I thought you were joking since this was our first, and I thought our last date. You surprised the hell out of me when you kissed me in front of everyone. I was surprised I remembered what to do. That’s how much you shocked me. Ever since that day, we have been together. All of the firsts, we have shared together. You told me after the wedding that you saved all of the notes and pressed the flowers in a book. You still have them safely tucked away in your memory box. I have many more stories that I will happily share with you. You only need to ask.”

  I can see her tiring, and so I bend down and gently kiss her forehead. She doesn’t pull away when I kiss her. This makes me happy. “Get some sleep, Diane. I will be back in the morning.”

  Chapter Ten

  Ethan

  I am beyond exhausted, both physically and mentally, and I need to go home for a few hours. When I arrive home, Kellie and Joey are asleep on the couch in the family room. My parents are watching TV, and it takes me a minute or two to realize that William and Barbara are not in the house. I asked my father where they are.

  “They went home, Ethan. We had an argument with them earlier this afternoon. They blame you for Diane’s decision to refuse visitors. They blame you for everything. It pissed me off, and we had a loud argument. I asked them to go home. You don’t need this bullshit in your home.”

  “I don’t understand why they are breaking my balls. Diane doesn’t want to see anyone other than me. She is confused and scared, and the constant traffic of people going in and out of her room is too much for her. She’s anxious having me near her. I can see it in her eyes. Diane will have a long recovery, Dad. We still need to assess the extent of her memory loss. Can she read? Can she write? Does she remember how to drive, how to teach her classes? We may need to start with the basics. I need to speak to Jerry tomorrow about occupational therapy. There’s not much we can do with physical therapy while her bones are healing. We can use this time to work on the other issues.”

  My mother hugs me, and I just want to cry. “Go upstairs and take a shower. I made a casserole for dinner, and I’ll heat some up for you. We’ll stay the night and look after the kids. You need an uninterrupted night sleep.”

  “Thanks, Mom. I don’t know what I would do without you. I am going to need both of you for the next few months. I need to focus on Diane, and I need you to help me with the kids. Taking them to school, making sure they have food on the table, help with homework. I can’t be in two places at the same time.”

  My mom hugs me. “We will be here for as long as you need us. You should know by now that there is nothing we wouldn’t do f
or you and the kids. I love you, honey.”

  My throat is tight as I leave the room. After a quick shower and two helpings of casserole, I fall into bed. Kelli and Joey are still sleeping downstairs, and we decided to leave them where they are. We all need a good night sleep. As soon as I hit the mattress, I am immediately tense. My mind is racing, along with my heart. What if Diane never regains her memory? The thought sickens me, and I feel my dinner churning in my stomach. I can’t fall apart, not now. I need to stay focused., but it’s so hard when I look at her and see no spark of emotion, other than fear. I roll over and hold on to the one thing that connects me to her, Diane’s pillow. It has become my link to her. I bury my face in her pillow and drift off into a sound sleep.

  Diane

  Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. First, realizing that I have no memories of my life with my family. Second, seeing who Ethan tells me are my children, and not feeling a spark of recognition, emotion…nothing. Why did this happen to me? Ethan told me I am a teacher. A teacher who cannot read. I tried again to look at the magazine the nurse gave me. I can’t focus on the words.

  I am alone in this hospital room, stuck in bed because of a broken leg. My entire body aches. My head throbs constantly. Every time I breathe, my chest hurts. When I reach up to touch my head, I want to cry because all I feel are bandages. I want to scream, but my voice is broken.

  So many thoughts are going through my mind. What if I never regain my memory? What if I have difficulty recovering from my other injuries? Where will I live? Will they still love me if I can’t remember them? Will my children be afraid of me? I want to go back to the world of darkness where I was not overwhelmed with people, sounds, and pain. The pain in my head radiates throughout my body. I press the buzzer for the nurse.

  The constant flow of doctors and nurses coming in and out of my room disturbs my sleep. Everyone is so concerned about me. Is it because I am Ethan’s wife? Do they know me? I need to know. The nurse arrives a few minutes after I pressed the buzzer. The look on her face is sad. I think the nurse knows me.

  “Hello, Diane. I am the night nurse, Sally. Are you okay? Do you feel any pain?”