Finding My Way Home Read online

  Ethan

  If my car had wings, I’d fly the fuck home. That’s how happy I feel at the present moment. I never expected Diane to accept her wedding rings. It makes me happy knowing she will wear them, and every time she looks at her hand, they will be a reminder of how much I love her. I hope the pictures give her a sense of how happy we were as a family. I picked specific pictures for her. I want Diane to see the progression of our lives together. I included many pictures from high school and college, some of our wedding, and the births of our children.

  The majority of the pictures are of our life with Kellie and Joey. I want her to see the children growing and maturing. I want her to see the silly birthday pictures, school outings, family vacations, and most importantly, pictures of the two of us taken during our summer getaways at the Jersey shore. Those weekends alone with Diane in the hotel bring back happy memories. Joey is waiting for me again when I arrive home. He helped me compile some of the pictures, and I know he is anxious to know how they were received. He follows me into the kitchen.

  “Well, what happened? Did Mom like the pictures? Did you give her the rings? Jesus Dad, spill it already!”

  I surprise my son when I pick him up and spin him around the room. “She liked all of it Joey, and she is wearing her rings on her right hand. I told her when she feels comfortable, move them to her left hand, and that will be my signal that she is ready to come home.”

  “Are you kidding me? Mom accepted everything without hesitation?”

  “Yeah. That’s what I’m saying. I am so fucking happy. This is a good sign Joey, an excellent sign.”

  “I want you to do something for me. I want you to keep an open mind and visit your mother as much as possible. Take Kellie with you. Your mom needs all of our support to get through the next few months.”

  “I want to visit, but I don’t know how to treat her. How do I talk to her?”

  “Just be yourself, and she will see the intelligent young man that you are. Kellie, on the other hand, is going to be a problem. She is still mad at Mom, and nothing I do or say sinks in. She is her mother’s daughter, stubborn and unreasonable. Why am I not surprised?”

  “Maybe you should talk to her one last time.”

  “Maybe I should, but I need a beer first.”

  “Can I have one too?”

  “You can only have one, and do not tell your grandparents. I’d never hear the end of it, and you know my mother remembers everything.”

  “Are you afraid of your mom?”

  Joey is mocking me. “Yep. She may be small, but she can kick my ass!”

  *****

  When I open my bedroom door, Kellie is in my bed. She is holding the stuffed animal that was a birthday gift from my wife. She looks so small and fragile. Her tiny heart misses her mother, and I am not a replacement for her mother’s love.

  “Hi, Daddy.” She rubs her eyes.

  I walk over and sit next to her. I run my fingers through her hair. “Hi, baby. Are you tired?”

  “Yeah. I was waiting for you to come home.”

  “I went to see Mommy. She is leaving the hospital tomorrow.”

  “Is she still going to Granny and Gramps house?”

  “Yes, she is honey. We talked about this last week. Mommy needs a little quiet time to get better.”

  “I’ll be quiet. Why can’t Mommy come home?”

  How do I make my daughter understand something that I have trouble understanding? I don’t want to lose my patience with her. I’ll try another tactic that I hope works. “Kellie, do you remember when Mommy would read to you because you could not understand the words?”

  “Yeah, I do. It was hard learning how to read. I had trouble with the big words.”

  “And, do you remember when you learned the alphabet?”

  “Yeah, that was fun. Mommy had cards, and we played games. If I got the card right, she would give me a cookie.”

  “Well, Mommy has that problem now. When she hit her head, she forgot how to read, and she also does not remember the letters in the alphabet. She has to learn them again, and she also has to learn other things too.”

  “What kind of other stuff?”

  “Oh, something that we take for granted. Like, learning how to use the washing machine. Learning how to cook, how to count the money. Mom has to know the difference between ten dollars and twenty dollars.”

  “Is this why she doesn’t want to come home?”

  “Yes, honey. Mommy needs time to learn these things, and Granny and Gramps are going to help her.”

  “Can I help her too?”

  “I am sure your Mom would love it if you helped her.”

  “Daddy, I’m sorry I said I hate Mommy. I don’t hate her; I miss her.”

  I lay on the bed and hold my sweet daughter in my arms. “I know honey. You are upset, and it’s okay to be sad, but I want you to remember how much you love Mommy. She needs us to help her. Maybe in a few days, we can visit her. Would you like that?”

  “Yeah, I would Daddy. Can I sleep here tonight?”

  “Yes, you can sleep with me, sweetheart. Go change into your pajamas, and I’ll put on the cartoon channel for you.”

  Thirty minutes later, my daughter is asleep in my arms, and I soon follow her into blissful sleep.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Diane

  My room is full of doctors and nurses, all wishing me well as I pack my few belongings and sign the discharge papers. Ethan is watching me with a smile on his face. I smile back at him and rub the rings on my finger. They are a constant reminder of the life I once had. Stephen and Catherine have assured me that I will be comfortable at their house, and I believe them. Without their help, without Ethan’s consistent patience, I would be lost, literally lost and afraid.

  I must continue my sessions with Dr. Griffith twice weekly, as well as physical therapy on my still aching leg and arm. There is so much that I must do to survive, and while I am scared, I am also excited, because I see this as a test of my determination. I am surprised when I see Kellie and Joey enter my room, and I have to fight the urge to shy away from them. Last night as I was looking through the photo albums, I notice the resemblance I share with them, especially Joey. I smile at them, and I see them relax. This is good. I don’t want them to feel nervous when they see me.

  “Hi, I am happy to see both of you.”

  Kellie walks over to me and hands me a gift bag. “I thought you might like to take George home with you. He’s been my special stuffed animal for a long time, and I thought he could keep you company, so you won’t feel alone.”

  George is a well-worn teddy bear. I am so touched by Kellie’s kindness that my eyes fill with tears. Kellie takes a few steps closer to me, and everything in me wants to hold this beautiful child. I follow my instincts and open my arms to her. She looks at Ethan, and he nods his approval. It hurts knowing that she is afraid of me. The minute I feel her in my arms, something happens to me that I cannot explain. It feels like I am in a time warp. This feels so familiar to me. I take a few seconds to enjoy the feeling. Could this be a distant memory?

  “Thank you so much, Kellie, for this thoughtful gift. I will make sure George stays with me in my room, and every time I look at him, I will think of you.”

  “Do you really like him?”

  “Yes, I do. I won’t feel so lonely with George to keep me company.”

  “I can come to visit you. I can help you learn the alphabet, and to write your letters and numbers. I am good at writing my letters.”

  “I would love it if you would help me, Kellie. I have so much to learn. Can you visit me tomorrow?”

  “Really? I can visit you tomorrow?”

  I nod my head yes, and the smile on her beautiful face touches me deeply. For the first time in many weeks, I feel optimistic about the future. Can this sweet child be the balm that soothes me?

  It’s Joey’s turn to give me something. “I have a few of my eight grade textbooks on math and English. I would be
more than happy to tutor you.”

  I clutch the books to my heart and let the tears flow. I am overwhelmed and so very grateful. It’s obvious to me that I was a good mother. “Oh, Joey. Thank you for this gift, and your offer to tutor me. I very humbly accept your offer. Just know that I am a clean slate. I don’t know how receptive I will be, but I promise to be a good student.”

  “If it wouldn’t upset you, I’d like to say something that all of us want you to know.”

  I nod my head yes. I want to hear what he has to say. I look at Ethan, and he gives me a hesitant look. I don’t think this was planned.

  “I’d just like to say that all of us understand the struggles that you are facing. As far as I am concerned, I’ll visit you every day and bring Kellie with me. We miss you, but we also know that this is what you need to do, and we support your decision. I wasn’t happy with this when Dad first told us, but I’ve had a lot of time to stew in my anger. I am not proud of my behavior, and I’m sorry if it upset you in any way. I want to be your friend, and I promise I won’t make you feel uncomfortable or put pressure on you to remember. I only want to spend time with you, if you would let me.”

  God, I want to cry. I am so relieved that they finally understand me. I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I can finally breathe and not feel guilty. I pat the bed next to me. “Come over here and sit next to me.” Kellie sits on my left, and Joey is on my right. Once again, an odd feeling overtakes me. I will have time later to think about it.

  “The two of you are so very special to me, and I am so relieved that you understand how I feel. It upset me to think that I hurt you in any way. Your father gave me a few books with many pictures of all of us. It is evident to me that we were a happy family. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I would very much like to know the two of you. I may never regain my memories, but I know we can make new ones. You are still my children, and I want to share my life with you.” I look at Ethan and say, “And that also includes you, Ethan. Please visit me often. I have so many questions about our life together.”

  *****

  Everyone walks beside me as I leave the hospital. I never anticipated this when I woke up this morning. This is an unexpected surprise and a very welcome one. Steve and Catherine are waiting for me in the lobby of the hospital with a portable wheelchair. My leg is still weak, and putting pressure on it is uncomfortable.

  “Are you ready to leave this place, sweetheart?”

  “Yes, Steve. I am all set to get out of here.”

  I say goodbye to Ethan and the children, and Steve wheels me out to his car. The drive home is pleasant, and the sun feels warm on my face. I feel free for the first time in many weeks. As I watch the scenery pass by me, I try very hard to remember where they are taking me. The streets do not look familiar. The houses do not look familiar. Nothing registers and I feel depressed.

  Catherine is sitting in the back of the car with me, and she takes my hand in hers. “You are frowning Diane. Stop trying to remember every little detail. It will only make you crazy. I always told my kids to ‘go with the flow’ when they had trouble studying. Sometimes if you try too hard, it makes remembering more difficult.”

  “I guess I’m a little nervous. I’ll try to relax.”

  “Don’t worry about anything, honey. We will take good care of you.”

  I am surprised to see Ethan, Kellie, and Joey waiting for me when I get out of the car. The short trip to my new home has exhausted me, both physically and mentally. I just want to lie down and take a nap. Joey runs up to the car to take my suitcase. Kellie follows him and carries the flowers. Ethan soon follows and lifts me up into his arms. I am caught off-guard, and my brain can’t react fast enough. Strangely, it feels nice having him carry me.

  “Take her to our room, Ethan.” I hear Steve say. I don’t have the time to take in my surroundings because Ethan has me in the bedroom before I can blink. The room is lovely, and the bed is calling out to me. Ethan puts me down gently, and I fall back onto a mattress that molds to my body. I could get used to this. Ethan sees me smiling.

  “My dad bought that mattress last year for my mom. She is having problems with her back. The mattress is made of memory foam that molds to your body and takes the stress off your pressure points. You should feel very comfortable sleeping in this bed.”

  “I already feel better just sitting on it. This is so sweet of your parents, Ethan. I appreciate what they are doing for me.” Ethan kneels before me and for a second or two, my heart races. The look on his face is so serious.

  “I want you to relax and follow your discharge instructions. Take it easy for a day or two and get acclimated to your new home. The kids will visit you tomorrow after school. We only live a few houses down the street.” Ethan hands me another phone. This one is white. “This phone is just for me. You have a direct line to all of my numbers. If you feel lonely, or you just want to talk, please call me anytime, day or night. I’m only a few houses away, and I’ll be here as soon as I can. I also want you to remember that your recovery will be slow. I don’t want you to feel frustrated if you fail at something the first time you try anything new.”

  “Next week, when you feel a little better, we will go out and have dinner, and see a movie. Just the two of us. No pressure, and no talking about the past unless you want to know something. We must look towards the future now. I want to know everything that you are doing, good and bad. If I can help with anything, or if you have questions, you only have to ask. I’d do anything for you, Diane.”

  I look at the phone in my hand. This is a direct link to Ethan. My heart is so full of gratitude and acceptance. For the first time since the accident, I feel that my family will accept me, with or without my memories. “Thank you, Ethan. You have no idea how much this means to me. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I say goodbye to Ethan and the children. Tomorrow is the first day of my new life.

  Chapter Twenty

  Diane

  Two months later

  So much has happened to me in the past two months. My first few days with Steve and Catherine were awkward. It felt like they were walking on eggshells around me. My physical therapy continued for at least six weeks, and I had a moderate amount of pain, but I got through it, and now I can walk without assistance.

  Kellie and Joey continue to visit me every day. The school year is almost over, which will give us more time together. At the beginning of my journey, Joey was very patient and helped me with my reading and writing. It surprised me how quickly I re-learned some things. Once I started to concentrate and let go of the anxiety, I was able to read quickly. Now, I am reading novels without difficulty. Catherine has a rather impressive assortment of contemporary romance novels, and some of them are wicked. Did I enjoy reading something like this before my accident? Thanks to hot, sexy men, my reading skills are just fine. Joey also helped me with math, which again, I found easy to re-learn. Every day I discover something new and exciting, and my mind races with all of this new information.

  Kellie is such a sweet child and talks my ear off. She is animated and easily emotional. Our routine is simple. She has a huge bag of coloring books, crayons, and colored ink markers. We lay on the floor, or sit on my bed and color. Who knew something so innocent could be so relaxing. Catherine bought me adult coloring books, and every night, I take at least an hour before bed to color.

  Joey graduates from high school in two weeks, and Ethan has asked me if I would like to attend the graduation ceremony. I am more than a little worried about being seen in public. I still have not found a way to deal with people who knew me before the accident. I remember the first time I went out to dinner with Ethan. I was not aware that we went to our favorite restaurant. I was just starting to feel at ease when someone approached our table and started talking to me. I felt myself become anxious, and Ethan saw my discomfort. He very politely explained that I was recovering from a car accident, that I had a severe concussion, and that my memories are fuzzy. I wa
s very grateful he glossed over the truth.

  Our relationship, if you could call it that, is growing stronger every day. We have a nightly ritual where I will call him, and he will tell me something about our life together. It’s funny, but as I listen to him, it feels like he is talking about someone else’s life, and not ours. He has so many funny stories about the children, and I find myself laughing all the time. It would be so easy to fall in love with him again, and honestly, I am starting to have feelings for him. He is a good man. Every time I look down at my hand, I see the evidence of his love for me. Several times I fought the urge to kiss him.

  *****

  Today is my birthday, and Ethan has a special day planned for me. I am excited because, for the past two months, life has been good to me. I may not have my memories, but I have made new ones over the previous months. I am hopeful for the future. Ethan sent me a strange text yesterday. He wants me to be ready to leave the house at eight in the morning. He wants me to wear something comfortable. Catherine went to my other house yesterday afternoon and brought back several outfits for me to choose from. I’m not sure how I feel about this, but I’m willing to see what happens.

  Ethan and I will spend the entire day together, and tonight, we will celebrate my birthday with Steve, Catherine, and the children. I am trying to decide what to wear. I have everything laid out on the bed. Should I wear a dress, or a pair of capris and a blouse? I thought it would feel strange looking at my old clothing, however, looking at them did not make me feel sad. I am not sure when that feeling left me, and I only just realized that I haven’t felt sad for a few weeks.

  Catherine helped me get ready for my date. It sounds strange saying we are out on a date, but that’s what it is. If I think too much about it, I will back out of the date. I feel a little excited, and I feel good. One hour later, I do not recognize the person staring at me in the mirror. Catherine did a fantastic job with my makeup. I finally look healthy, and it’s an incredible feeling. The face staring back at me almost resembles the person in the photo albums, except for my hair. I now have short spiky hair, and I look cute. I am wearing red capris pants, a red and white tank top, a white blouse, and matching red sandals. I hear someone whistling, and when I turn around, Steve is standing in the doorway.