Finding My Way Home Read online

  “Wow, is that you Diane? You look positively stunning. Ethan will swallow his tongue when he sees you!”

  “Do I really look okay?”

  “Honey, you look beautiful. How do you feel?”

  Laughing, I say, “I am so excited about our date today. I feel a little silly.”

  “It’s okay to feel that way. It’s been a rough few months for you and Ethan. It’s good to laugh and feel happy.”

  “Yes, it is. I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve done for me, and I am grateful you still want me living with you. I think it’s time I gave you back your bedroom. I’ll move into the apartment over the garage.”

  Steve opens his arms, and I walk into his embrace. “We love you sweetheart, and I have enjoyed every minute of our time together. This will always be your home.”

  I sigh as Steve holds me in his strong arms. I feel safe with him, and then I think about my parents, who haven’t visited me since I left the hospital. “Steve, do you ever think my parents will accept the new me? They haven’t visited me since I came home from the hospital. I don’t know what to do.”

  I see the hesitation in his eyes. He’s keeping something from me. I want to know what it is. “Whatever it is Steve, please tell me.”

  “Before I say anything, I want you to know that it was their decision not to see you. We’ve tried to make your parents understand, and they refused to listen to us. Please sit, and I’ll tell you everything.”

  I sit on the edge of the bed, and Steve begins to tell me what happened after my surgery. I am shocked and saddened by what he has said to me. How could they blame Ethan or Jerry for what happened to me? None of this is their fault. The person who hit me is responsible, not them.

  “And so you see Diane, unless they can accept your new life, they won’t see you. I’ve talked to them numerous times. I've told them how much you’ve improved in the last two months. Whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other. Catherine and I love you, and we are thrilled to have you living here with us.”

  “Honestly, the relationship that you have with your parents has been strained for many years. Your mother is a difficult person to get along with. She made your life miserable for as long as I can remember. Your father tolerates her behavior. I don’t understand the dynamics of their relationship, and I really don’t want to know. All you need to remember is that Catherine and I have loved you from the first time Ethan brought you home to meet us. The happiest day of my life, other than the birth of my children and grandchildren, was the day Ethan married you.”

  It upsets me knowing my parents are so rigid. I’m kind of happy I don’t remember the bitter relationship that I once had with them. “They didn’t make it easy for Ethan, did they?”

  “No. My son has a temper, and it took all of his energy to stay focused on you. They said some harsh things to my son, and I’ll never forget it. I don’t hold grudges, but I cannot forgive anyone who hurts my family.”

  “Remind me never to piss you off!”

  Laughing, he said, “You never did, and you never will!”

  “Good to know.”

  Ethan

  My parent’s house is quiet. “Hey, where is everyone?” My mom runs down the stairs and hugs me.

  “Wow, look at you! I haven’t seen you this relaxed in a long time.”

  I look down at myself and shrug. I’m wearing shorts, a polo shirt, and sandals. “Honestly, I don’t feel relaxed. I’m a little nervous. I hope what I have planned for today goes well.”

  My mom pats my arm. “Why wouldn’t it go well? Diane is excited about today. Take it one step at a time, and have some fun. It’s been a long time sweetheart. The both of you deserve a break.”

  My dad follows her down the stairs. “So, I hear you have an all day date with a beautiful woman.”

  “Yes, I do. And, where is my beautiful Diane?”

  “Here she is.”

  I look up, and when I see Diane descending the stairs, my heart beats a little faster. She is wearing those little red capri pants that make me hot every time I see her wear them. I am instantly hard. Shit, I can’t let her see this. I walk over to stand behind the recliner near the door, effectively concealing my hand as I attempt to adjust myself. I don’t know how much longer I can be near her and not want to make love to her. It’s the worse form of torture. I’ve jacked off so much the last few months that it’s a miracle I don’t have carpal tunnel syndrome!

  “Wow, Diane. You’re beautiful. I like the new hair style, and your outfit is gorgeous.”

  “Do you really like it?”

  “I love it honey, and I will beat the crap out of any man who so much as looks at you.”

  Diane surprises me when she walks over to me, wraps are arms around my neck and kisses my cheek. Dear God, give me the strength to get through this day without my head exploding!

  *****

  I thought long and hard about where to take Diane for her birthday. I did not want to go anywhere where people will recognize us. Diane is just starting to feel comfortable being out in public. She has had contact with a few of the teachers at her school and to say the meetings were tense would be an understatement. No one knows how to react, and this makes Diane extremely nervous. It’s bad enough she must fight every day to feel normal. I don’t want outside forces adding to her stress.

  I make a last minute decision to take her to Atlantic City. It’s a beautiful day, and I hope she enjoys the new experience. I take her hand in mine and say, “Well, honey, are you ready for your birthday date?”

  “Yes, I am. Where are we going?”

  “Now, why would I tell you and ruin the surprise? Are you ready to have some fun in the sun?”

  Diane claps her hands and does a little happy dance. I love seeing her smile.

  “You bet I am. Let’s hit the road!”

  Diane

  I am so excited, I can’t sit still. Ethan is driving a convertible, and the top is down. Now I know why Catherine put a scarf in my tote bag. I feel free, and with the wind swirling around me, I feel happy. I tilt my head back and let the warmth of the sun beat down on my face. “This is so exciting. Why won’t you tell me where we are going?”

  “Because I want it to be a surprise. You’ll know soon enough where we are going. Sit back and enjoy the ride.”

  I do enjoy the ride. I’ve spent too much time in the house, afraid to venture out and experience new things. This feels different. Is it because Ethan is with me? Do I feel safe with him? Yes, I do, and it surprises me how comfortable I have become with him. I can see why the person that I once was loved him. Will I one day feel the same? I hope so because he is a good man. I close my eyes and enjoy the ride. I must have fallen asleep because I feel Ethan’s hand touching my arm. We are no longer on the highway, and the air smells different. When I look at my surroundings, I see tall buildings. A lot of them.

  “Where are we?”

  “We’re in Atlantic City. I wanted to take you somewhere where no one knows us. I want this day to be stress-free and fun.”

  “Where is Atlantic City?”

  “It’s in New Jersey, about ninety minutes from home.”

  Once we park the car, we walk to the boardwalk. Ethan is taking pictures of me on his phone, and before I can say anything, I see the ocean before me. I have never seen anything so beautiful or so powerful. The waves crash up against the sand, and the sound it makes is soothing. I take off my sandals and run down to the water. I feel like I’ve done this before. Will this trip spark a memory? I have given up hope that I will remember our life together. All I have now are new memories, and I cherish each and every one of them.

  The water feels cold on my feet. The ocean is so beautiful. It makes me sad that I have lost this memory, but I refuse to let this spoil my day. I want to make new memories. I bend down and run my hands in the water. Ethan is standing next to me and is taking pictures of me. I want him to send them to me. I want to see the happiness on my face. “I want to see
everything, Ethan. Show me Atlantic City.”

  My heart skips a beat when he holds my hand. He made a quick call and said, “I have a surprise for you.”

  I realize that I like surprises. I follow Ethan back to the boardwalk. Waiting for us is a man with two…“What are they?”

  “They are three-wheeled bicycles, and we are going to ride them.”

  “I don’t know how to ride a bike. What if I get hurt?”

  “You can’t get hurt because they have three wheels. Do you trust me?”

  My immediate response is, “Yes, I do.”

  Five minutes later, I am riding a bike! I am having so much fun, and I don’t want this day to end.

  Ethan

  I can’t find the words to express how I feel as I look at Diane. My emotions are all over the place. I do know that it is my mission in life to make her happy. Watching her ride the bike in front of me, and hearing her laughter is the best medicine for me. I haven’t seen her this relaxed since before the accident.

  I want this person back in my life. I will not rest until she is in my bed, where I can hold her in the dark and tell her all of the things that I have been keeping to myself. I miss that time with her. Often, we would lay awake in the dark and whisper our hopes and dreams to each other. Sleep doesn’t come easy for me, and I don’t believe I will ever rest peacefully without the warmth of her body against mine. I am so distracted by my thoughts that I fail to hear her talking to me.

  “Ethan, where are you? I’ve been talking to you, and you’re not hearing me. What’s wrong?”

  “I’m okay, Diane. My mind is wandering. Sorry, what did you say?”

  “I said I was hungry. Is there a good place to eat nearby?”

  “Darling, the best food on the boardwalk is a hotdog with cheese fries. Let’s get rid of these bikes, and I’ll feed you!”

  After we hitch the bikes, I take her hand in mine and lead her to my favorite place to eat, Phils. I swear they make the best fries in the state. We haven’t been to the Jersey shore since last summer. I never appreciated what I took for granted until I no longer have it, and this is one of those times. Diane and I loved spending the weekends at the shore. The kids went nuts running up and down the beach collecting seashells. I miss those days. I miss the peaceful existence of our lives together. I miss the quiet moments with my children. I just miss the life that I once had, because what I feel now is a living hell.

  I hide my feelings from my children because if they see that I’ve lost hope, they will lose it too. They are growing closer to Diane as she is now. Joey and Kellie rarely speak about the past, and that makes me very upset. Our children have memories, and while I understand that their intentions are pure and come from the heart, I don’t want them to lock away those memories.

  “Ethan, you’re doing it again. What are you thinking? Please talk to me.”

  “Let’s get our food and find a quiet spot, and I’ll tell you.”

  “You’re making me nervous.”

  “Don’t be nervous. It’s all good.”

  Diane

  Ethan finds a quiet spot on the beach, and we sit down in warm sand and eat our food. I have the strange sensation that I’ve eaten this particular food before today. As a matter of fact, I’ve had the same feeling the past two weeks. It feels like déjà vu. Is it possible that my memories are trying to surface? I hope so. I want to remember.

  “Wow, these fries are delicious. What kind of cheese do they use?”

  “Um…I think it’s cheddar cheese. Whatever the hell it is, it’s fantastic. I love his food.”

  “We’ve been here before, haven’t we? Is this why you are so distracted? You know, you can talk to me about your memories. It won’t upset me, and honestly, I need to know more of our life together.”

  Ethan is quiet for a few minutes. I can see that he is trying to filter his words. “Just say what you need to say, Ethan. Please, the last few weeks have been good for me, and I think it’s time we discussed the past.”

  “Are you sure Diane? I’ve wanted so much to talk to you, but I’ve been holding back. I don’t want this to be a sad day.”

  “Why would it be a sad day?”

  “Because I bring up memories that may upset you.”

  “It’s time Ethan. It’s time to know my past, good and bad.”

  Ethan sighs and leans back on his elbows. “Every weekend during the summer months we would bring the kids to the beach. My parents have a summer house in Cape May, but the kids always wanted to come to Atlantic City. They were fascinated by the big casinos and the brightly colored buildings. You packed the cooler with enough food to feed an army. I took care of everything else, and the kids had a good time. Kellie and Joey would run up and down the beach collecting seashells. You always brought a couple of tote bags for their stash, and all winter long, you found crafting projects to occupy their time. I always loved those days, because we were so happy. On Saturday night, Mom and Dad took care of the kids, and we would have a date night.”

  “You loved to play the slot machine, and I loved watching how excited you became when the machine paid off. We booked a hotel room for the night, and we made love, ate ice cream in bed, and watched a movie. We did all of the things that we could not do during the week. The next morning, we had breakfast in bed and made love in the shower. I won’t lie to you, Diane. It is so difficult not thinking about those days. I am tired of filtering everything I say and do, for fear it will upset you. It’s exhausting, and I want to talk about the past.”

  “I want you to know everything. I’m lonely without you. I lost my best friend in that accident, and I am so afraid she will never come back to me. I don’t want you to feel upset or guilty about what I’ve just said to you. I never knew how much I needed to talk about our past with you. I’m afraid that if I don’t talk about it, the memories will fade away, and it will kill me to lose that connection with you. I hope you understand that I’m not pressuring you to come home.”

  Ethan turns his face away from me, and I see him wiping at his eyes. God, he’s crying, and I feel like shit. What in God’s name is blocking my memories? I remember a conversation I had with my therapist a few days ago. Maybe it’s time to discuss this with him. “Ethan, please look at me.”

  “No, I need a minute to calm myself,” Ethan said and walked away from me with slumped shoulders. He doesn’t go far, and I give him this private time. He sits on the sand, folds his arms around his legs, and lowers his head. Something tugs at my heart and I try to bring what I am feeling to the surface. It doesn’t work, and I am getting pissed off.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Ethan

  Isn’t this just fucking great? I bring Diane here to have a pleasant day, and what do I do? Well, I am tired of hiding my feelings, and it is time to face the past. I can’t look at her now. My nerves are raw. Talking about our summers at the shore hit a nerve with me. I need a few minutes to calm the fuck down. When I raise my head, Diane is standing in front of me. She reaches out and runs her fingers through my hair. Memories of her doing this while we made love attack me. I can’t bare her touch, but I am too weak to move.

  “Ethan?”

  When I look up at her, I see something different in her eyes. What is it? Sadness? Pity? I don’t need anyone’s fucking pity! I hear her voice again. “Ethan, take a walk with me.”

  I am too emotionally tired to say no. I take Diane’s hand in mine, and we walk along the water. Neither one of us knows what to say, so I break the silence. “I’m sorry Diane. I’m acting like a fucking idiot.”

  “No, you’re not. You are expressing your feelings to me. There is nothing wrong with telling me what’s in your heart. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry I upset you.”

  “It’s not you Diane; it’s me. I can’t handle this any longer. I need something from you.”

  “What do you need, Ethan?”

  “I need your friendship, Diane. I need companionship, someone that I can talk to
when I can’t sleep. I need date nights and walks in the park. I want us to spend time together as a couple.”

  Diane stops walking and points to a pair of benches under a pergola on the boardwalk. “It’s getting hot. Can we get out of the sun? I need to talk to you about something my therapist recommended a few days ago.”

  Once seated, Diane turns to me with apprehension in her eyes. “Dr. Griffith wants to try regression therapy. He feels I may remember something, and I’m not sure what I should do. Have you ever heard of this type of treatment?”

  “I am not a psychologist, but I have read your case file. The correct terminology for your type of amnesia is traumatic amnesia. It can lead to anything from a brief loss of consciousness to coma. Traumatic amnesia is often transient; the duration of the amnesia is related to the degree of injury and may give an indication of the prognosis for recovery of other functions.”

  “I have noticed that once you started the occupational therapy, you were able to recover your reading and writing very quickly. Mom told me that you pick up things quickly. It also explains why your speech improved so quickly. The brain synapsis remembers how to do these things, but your long-term memory is impaired by the injury.”

  “With traumatic amnesia, it could take weeks, months, maybe even years to regain long-term cognition. I think it is a good idea to try this type of therapy. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by cooperating. Do you want me there with you?”

  “Yes, please. It will make me feel so much more relaxed if you are with me. I’m scared this won’t work. What if it doesn’t work?”

  “Then we will find something that does work. Let’s take one more walk, and then we’ll go home for part two of your birthday celebration.”

  “I think that's an excellent idea.”

  As we are driving home, Diane asks me about the fucker who hit her.

  “Did the police ever find who hit my car?”

  “Yes, the police arrested him at the scene of the crash. He was drunk. He told the officer that he works odd hours, and after work, he went for a few beers with his friends. Apparently, he had been drinking for a few hours. He fell asleep at the wheel, and hit your car.”

  “The trial was a few weeks ago, and the jury’s verdict is two years’ house arrest with an ankle monitor, five years’ probation, and two thousand hours of community work. Also, his license was permanently revoked. He’s in the system now. My cousin Brian told me after the verdict that he got the maximum sentence, and I’m just happy he’s off the street, and can’t hurt anyone else.”