Finding My Way Home Read online

  I return to Diane’s room to tell her what to expect tomorrow. I see no reaction from her, and I am concerned. “Are you okay, Diane. What’s wrong? Are you in pain?”

  Diane turns her face away from me and cries. God, what can I do? I can’t hold her. I can’t comfort her. She doesn’t know me. I feel like an idiot standing here with my hands in my pockets. The crying continues, and on instinct, I very carefully sit on the edge of the bed and turn her face to look at me.

  “It’s okay to cry, Diane. I don’t want you hiding this from me. I know I am a stranger to you, but you must understand that we have shared our lives with each other for twenty-seven years. I know you as I know myself. I want to help you, but I can’t if you won’t talk to me. If you are upset, I want to help you. If you feel pain, I want to bear that pain for you.”

  “I…I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid… Ethan. I have lost… my life. I don’t know… anything. What happens if …the therapy does…. not work? What will …you do …with me?”

  “What will I do with you?” Her question catches me off-guard. I lean in as close as possible without scaring her and say, “I will love you until I take my last breath, regardless if you ever remember me. You are the other half of my heart and soul. Whatever happens in the future, we are in this together. I want you to remember this Diane. I am nothing without you.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Ethan

  Fucking hell. What will I do with her? My stomach cramps at the thought of losing her. How do I make Diane understand how much I love her? I keep asking myself this question as I walk back to my office. I have rounds in fifteen minutes, and I need to focus. Some of the other doctors have filled in for me the past few weeks, and I welcome the distraction of focusing on something other than my wife’s illness. The day passes quickly, and I am in the car by seven. I have not seen Diane since our earlier visit. As much as it upsets me, I need to take a step back and regroup. When I walk in the front door, I hear my father in a heated argument with Joey.

  “I’m tired of waiting. I want to see my mother! Why can’t I see her?”

  I hear the frustration in my father’s voice. “You know why Joey. Your mother is confused, and is not ready to have visitors.”

  “That’s bullshit! I want to see her. I’m going to the hospital tomorrow after school. Maybe if she sees me again, she will remember us. How could she forget us? How Gramps?”

  I stand in the doorway and watch my son shatter into a million pieces. My father holds Joey in his arms as the sound of his crying fills the room. I walk up behind my son and wrap my arms around him and my father. Joey’s legs give out, and we keep him from falling onto the floor. I look at my dad and jerk my head towards the door. Joey leans on me as we walk towards the door.

  “Where are we going?”

  “We are going to see your mother.”

  “I thought she didn’t want to see us?”

  “Your mother is frightened, Joey. She has so much to re-learn, and it will be a few months before she will be released from the hospital. You must remember that she has amnesia, and she is still recovering from the concussion. I don’t want you to expect anything when you see her. Just introduce yourself again and take your cue's from her.”

  “How has she been with you?”

  “Hesitant, scared, and a little curious. She has a lot of sensory overloads. Everything is coming at her all at once, and it is too much for her to process. I want you to promise me you will not tell Kellie that we visited your mother. She will scream and carry on until I bring her to the hospital. She is too young to understand, and when Diane fails to recognize her again, I don’t know how Kellie will react. Keep this between the two of us.”

  “I’m not sure this is a good idea, Dad. Maybe we should wait a few more days.”

  “No. It’s time we slowly integrate our family in her life. This is her new reality for the time being, and she needs to be comfortable around us.”

  “Okay, if you say so. You are the doctor.”

  I don’t tell my son that I am about to shit my pants because I have no way of gauging how Diane will react when she sees our son again.

  *****

  The television is on in Diane’s room when we reach the door. I hesitate for a second or two. Joey sees my hesitation and gently pushes me forward. Diane is surprised to see the two of us. She covers her mouth with her hand when she sees Joey. They are a mirror image of each other.

  Joey takes a few steps closer but remains standing at the foot of the bed. I am waiting for someone to say something. Joey cleared his throat and said, “Um..hi. I asked if I could visit you. How are you feeling?”

  “I..ah…I’m feeling…a little better. What is your… name again?”

  The hope dies in Joey's eyes. “I’m Joesph, but everyone calls me Joey.”

  She looks at Joey. “Can you come closer… to the bed?”

  Joey walks around to the other side of the bed and sits in the chair.

  Diane’s eyes are fixated on him. “You’re handsome.”

  “Um….thank you.”

  “How old are you?”

  “I’m seventeen.”

  “When Ethan told me… we had… children, I wondered… when they would… visit me again.”

  Tears well in her eyes. “I wish I could… remember you. I really… do. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Can you… leave now, please?”

  Joey reaches out to touch his mother’s hand. “Please don’t cry, Mom. It’s okay if you don’t remember us. I have enough memories to share with you. All we want is for you to get better. I’m sorry if I upset you. I’ll leave now.”

  When Joey leaves the room, I apologize to her. “This was not a good idea. I’m sorry Diane. When I got home tonight, he was upset, and the only way to calm him was for him to visit you. I won’t let him see you again if this is too upsetting for you.”

  I don’t give her a chance to respond when I turn and leave the room. Joey is sitting on the floor outside her room. He looks up at me, and his eyes convey everything that I feel at this moment. The drive home is quiet. When we get home, we go our separate ways, each one retreating to the privacy of our bedroom.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ethan

  Day one of therapy started with a verbal assault. “Why do you keep…. visiting me? Get the hell… out of my room! When can I leave… this place? I don’t want… to be here.”

  “Well, good morning to you too Diane. Did you sleep well?” I know this is the highs and lows of recovering from a concussion, and I don’t take it personally. She refuses to answer me and avoids looking at me. “I’m not leaving until you answer me.” Two seconds later, a coffee mug flew past my head and crashed to the floor. “Nice pitching arm. Maybe once the casts are removed, we can play a little baseball.”

  “What do you… want? Why are you… bothering me?”

  I bend down to pick up the broken mug and toss it in the trashcan. Diane is looking at me, and a flicker of remorse clouds her face. I brush off my hands and sit in the chair next to her bed. “Now, are you ready to talk to me, or do you want to continue to argue with me?”

  After a moment of hesitation, Diane lowers her head, clearly embarrassed by her behavior. “I am sorry I yelled… at you. Please, do not be… mad at me. I do not know why… I am so angry. Was I like this… before the accident?”

  This entire situation is so reminiscent of our many spirited conversations, and I laugh and nod my head. “You have always been this way. You are outspoken, hard headed, and opinionated. This is not the first time you’ve thrown something at me. Usually, it’s a pillow, rolled up socks, or some other soft object. We do not break the good china in our house.”

  I move closer to the bed. “I know this is frustrating, but arguing with me will not help you recover. If something is bothering you, please tell me. I am here to take care of you, not annoy you. Diane, sweetheart, please look at me. You are a beautiful woman, wife, and mother. You are a free spirit, with a kind h
eart and soul. You would never intentionally hurt anyone. I know you feel upset and scared, and that is okay. You’ve had an accident, and this is a typical reaction.”

  “Be honest with me, Ethan. What will happen to me… if I never regain my memory? How do I live my life….with no past? How can I just assume… a life that… I don’t know? Will you want a… wife who doesn't remember you?”

  “I have the same fears Diane, but at this moment, I can only think of one thing to say to you, and it comes from my heart. If you never regain your memories, I will make you fall in love with me again. That means going out on dates, holding hands, everything, because I refuse to lose you. Our children need their mother, and I need my wife.”

  “Why did this happen to me? Why can I remember some things and not others? How is it that I can remember to talk and eat, but I cannot remember our life together?”

  I immediately notice that her speech has not hesitated. This is another good sign. Baby steps my beautiful wife. “My brother had to operate because you were bleeding internally. Any injury to the brain is dangerous Diane, and the concussion is adding to your confusion. It is a lot of stress on a very delicate part of your body. It takes several months to recover from this type of injury.”

  “I feel better knowing you won’t leave me here alone and frightened.”

  “I’ll never leave you, Diane.”

  *****

  Diane is in a much better mood when Helen Crandall arrives for their first session. Helen sits next to her and places a pack of cards on the table. “Today we are going to focus on your cognitive skills. I know this may look silly, but I want you to look at these cards. I am going to mix them up, and I want you to pick out which two cards look the same. Can you do this for me?”

  There were about forty cards on the table, and Diane started to panic. Sensing her anxiety, Helen picked up one card and handed it to Diane. “Let’s approach this differently. Take this card and look at it. Now, try to find the same card and place it next to this one.” This was much easier for her to manage. “That’s perfect Diane, now, try to find this one.”

  Thirty minutes later, Diane matched every card twice and was so happy she started giggling. “This is fun. What else do you want me to do?”

  Helen smiled at her enthusiasm. “Let’s try a little reading.”

  Helen handed her a children’s storybook. Diane panicked because she did not understand the words. “It’s okay Diane; we will work on improving your reading. Let’s see if you can associate words with objects.”

  She opened a pack of flash cards, and Diane had trouble almost at once. Helen showed her simple things like a book, a table, a window. Nothing registered and it frightened her. She cries and turns her face away from me. I refuse to let her feel insecure. I sit next to her and hold her hand. “Don’t cry Diane, please don’t be upset. We will help you. Are you tired? Do you want to take a break?”

  “Yes, please. My head hurts.”

  I turn to Helen. “That’s enough for today.”

  Helen nods and slips the flash cards into my coat pocket. I know what she is asking me to do. I will do anything for my wife. I bend down and whisper to her, “Do you want to get out of here for a few minutes? How does that sound to you?”

  Diane smiled. “I would love to get out of here for a few minutes.”

  We go back to her room to get a few blankets. Diane looks surprised when I wrap them around her. I explain, “It’s the beginning of March, and even though we are walking through the sky ramp to the restaurant, you are still recovering, and I don’t want you to get sick. Humor me, okay?”

  Once I cover her in several blankets, I wheel Diane through the sky ramp that connects the hospital to the restaurant. There is a restaurant called Pork Belly’s which is a favorite lunch and dinner spot for the hospital staff. On most days, the place is full of doctors, nurses and a few recovering patients with their families. Her mood changes quickly. Her eyes dart back and forth, and she refuses to look at me.

  “When I looked at the book, I felt so stupid. I have difficulty reading a children’s book. Nothing registered in my head.”

  I move my chair closer to her wheelchair, lean in and whisper, “I know you are upset, sweetheart. I will help you, I promise, but first I must have lunch with my beautiful wife.”

  She reaches up to touch the scarf on her head. “How can you call me beautiful? I’m sure I look awful without hair.”

  I have to swallow the lump in my throat before I can respond. “Oh honey, you are incredibly beautiful, with or without hair. Your beauty comes from your soul.”

  We eat a light lunch of chicken soup served in a bread bowl. Diane was fascinated by this simple meal. I keep forgetting that every experience is new to her. After our meal, we return to the hospital and sit in the main lobby by the window. here is not much to see other than tall buildings, with a garden or two interspersed every block or two. We find a somewhat quiet spot away from everyone. I pull the flash cards out of my pocket, and Diane looks uncertain. “We are going to start from the beginning and take it slow, okay? This is a chair. This is an apple.” I went through the entire deck of cards. “I want you to memorize these ten cards for tomorrow.”

  On our walk back to her room, I placed all ten cards in Diane’s hand and asked her repeatedly to tell me what the object was on the card. I am so proud of her because she remembers all of the objects.

  Diane

  By the time I returned to my room, I had memorized all ten of the cards, and could not wait for tomorrow to show Ethan how well I had done. Repeatedly, I looked at all of them and knew what they were. Will I be able to remember them tomorrow? I feel happy for the first time since the accident, and fall asleep with a smile on my face. The next morning I ask one of the nurses to take me to Ethan’s office. He looked startled when he sees the nurse and me waiting for him in his office. “Are you okay? What happened? Why are you here?”

  “I’m okay Ethan. I want to show you something.” I pick up each card and correctly identify all of them. Before I have time to think, Ethan kneels in front of me, and he hugs me. Ethan is happy. I can see it in his eyes. The future may be uncertain, but this is a happy day for me. “Can I have twenty cards today?” By the end of the week, I could identify over one hundred objects.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ethan

  The next few weeks passed quickly. Each day starts with Diane eager to begin her therapy. It is like watching a child come to life. Everything excites her. It was also during this time that she met her parents and mine. The day started out pleasant and went downhill quickly. Diane was hesitant but willing to meet them.

  “I’m a little nervous meeting everyone. I don’t know what to say.”

  I tried to reassure her. “Just say hello, it’s nice to meet you, and leave it at that. Everyone knows the situation, and will not put pressure on you to remember them.”

  This was the plan that everyone agreed to the previous night, however; once again Barbara caused a scene. She rushed into the room and practically threw herself at Diane. It went downhill fast.

  “Diane baby, don’t you remember us? How could you not remember your mother?”

  Barbara and her fucking waterworks. I specifically told her not to do this in front of Diane. She never fucking listens to me.

  “I…I’m sorry I don’t remember you. Would you please let go of me. You’re upsetting me.”

  I am so proud of Diane. Even in her current state of mind, she spoke up for herself. Barbara backed off immediately. You should have seen the look on her face. It was priceless! I had to stifle a laugh because honestly, I felt like laughing my ass off.

  “I’m not a stranger, Diane. I am your mother. Don’t take that tone of voice with me!”

  “Wait a minute Barbara,” I say with disdain. “We discussed this last night.”

  “I don’t care what we talked about last night,” Barbara said with vehemence in her voice. “She is my daughter, and I will not have her disresp
ecting her parents.”

  I walk over to her and whisper, “Shut your fucking mouth before I throw you out of this room. Do you understand me?”

  “Ethan, it’s okay,” Diane said with sadness in her voice. She looks over at her parents. “I don’t know either of you, and I do not appreciate you coming into my hospital room and upsetting me. Ethan told me that you know the seriousness of my injuries. Why would you upset me, when you know what has happened to me?”

  “You always were good with the dramatics, Diane. I don’t know what kind of game you are playing, but it won’t work with us.”

  “I can assure you; it’s not a game. I would like you to leave my room.”

  William stood off to the side of the bed. His eyes narrowed on Diane, and I thought he would say something to ease the tension. He never said a word. You know, I never really noticed what assholes they are until this moment. Diane always tolerated her mother. They never had a touchy-feely relationship, not like it is with my parents, and after a few tense moments, I respectfully asked them to leave because my parents are waiting to see Diane. I waited a few minutes to give Diane a few quiet moments to calm down. I bent down and whispered, “I’ll tell my parents you need a little time to regroup.”

  “Thank you, Ethan. That was unpleasant.”

  I agree with her.”Yes, it was, and it won’t happen again.”

  When I leave Diane’s room, I see my parents standing at the nurse's station talking to one of the nurses. My dad grabs my arm. “What the hell happened? William and Barbara ran out of here like their asses are on fire. I said hello to them, and he glared at me and kept walking.”

  “Barbara caused a scene in Diane’s room. She accused Diane of playing games, of faking her illness. I almost slapped the miserable bitch. How could someone so beautiful come from such an unhappy person?”

  My dad lowered his voice. “Barbara has always been a miserable person, and Bill is a pussy for putting up with her bullshit. No worries son; Diane has your mother and me. She doesn’t need them.”

  My mom pats my back. “Come on. Enough of the bullshit about the two B’s. It’s time to see our girl.”

  I laugh at my mom. “Tell me how you really feel, Mom?”

  “I think you know exactly how I feel. I’ve made no secret of the fact that Diane’s parents are assholes. What more is there to say?”