Finding My Way Home Read online

  “I really love you, Mom.”

  “Aw, that’s good to know, Ethan.”

  I am still smiling when we enter Diane’s room. She is a little startled to see a smile on my face.

  I introduced my parents to her. “This is my mother Catherine, and my father, Stephen.”

  “Hi, it’s nice to meet you.”

  My mom and dad are the polar opposite of my in-laws. My mom flowed into the room with a bouquet of flowers and a box of Diane’s favorite chocolate chip cookies. She bent down to kiss Diane’s cheek.

  “Hi sweetie, how are you? I’m so happy to see you. I made your favorite cookies this morning.”

  My dad follows her into the room. His presence immediately calms me. He also bent down to kiss my wife. “Hi, darling. You look exquisite. Can I autograph your cast?”

  His question came out of left field, and all I can do is laugh. My dad took out a purple marker and signed the cast on my wife’s leg. When I bend over to look at what he had written, my heart squeezed in my chest. He wrote, “The heart never forgets. You will always be our Diane. Love Mom and Dad.”

  I whispered his words to Diane, and she smiled. She looked at my Dad. “Thank you, Stephen.”

  My dad holds Diane’s hand. “We don’t want you to feel uncomfortable being near us. I am a retired doctor, and Catherine is a retired nurse. We are both aware of the situation, and we will never upset you. This is a long process, honey. Whatever we can do to help you, you only need to ask. We love you, even if you have no idea who these crazy people are. We will always love you.”

  God in Heaven, I love my father so much, I have no words to express my feelings. My eyes lock onto his as I feel my mom’s hands on my shoulders. “That’s right sweetheart. We are your family, with or without your memories. Nothing will ever change how much we love you. You are the daughter of my heart.”

  *****

  It’s all too much for me, and I have to leave the room. Diane looks confused by my sudden exit. My dad follows me as I run to the nearest bathroom. I can’t breathe. My chest is tight with emotions so raw, I am choking on them. I feel sick. I am going to be sick, and as I think those words, everything I ate today comes burning up my esophagus. I don’t know how long I knelt in front of the toilet, but when I look up, my father is standing by my side.

  His eyes are red-rimmed. He reaches out for me, and I gratefully accept his help. My legs refuse to cooperate, and he helps me walk over to the sink where I wash out my mouth several times and splash cold water on my face. I see him looking at me through the mirror. He moves closer to me and places both hands on my shoulders. Our faces are a reflection of so many emotions, and all of them are raw and too close to the surface to express adequately. I take a deep breath because my stomach is still talking to me.

  “When Mom said that Diane is the daughter of her heart, I lost it, Dad. I’ve tried so hard for I don’t know how long to remain optimistic. I’m losing hope that her amnesia is temporary. The longer she goes without remembering, the more worried I become. Kellie is beside herself, and I don’t know how much longer I can put off bringing her to see Diane. Whatever I do, It will traumatize my sweet child.”

  My dad pats my shoulder. “The time has come for us to face reality, Ethan. There is a good chance Diane will never regain her memories. We must build a new life for her. You need to tell Kellie and Joey the truth, and I know they are not going to understand. We must try our best to make them understand. I think we should have dinner tonight with them and explain what is happening.”

  “You also need to speak with Diane. This situation will be upsetting for her. Once she is out of the hospital, she will eventually run into someone who knows her. We can’t shield her from the world. I am sure you do not want her to be a prisoner in her home and be afraid to face the world. This is also her new reality. When we leave, sit down and discuss this with her. Explain why you ran out of the room. Don’t keep secrets from her, because it will only make this situation worse.”

  “I have been avoiding this conversation because I am afraid that once I say the words, all hope for a full recovery will vanish. I have continually prayed for a miracle, not just for me, but for all of us. I don’t know what to do. Once Diane is released, she has nowhere to go but home. How will she feel living in a house that is foreign to her? I can’t share our bedroom with her. I can’t hold her in my arms, kiss her, or make love to her. I have never felt so alone in my life. I feel like a part of my soul has been ripped out of my body. There is emptiness and loneliness inside of me that I’ve never felt before.”

  “I can’t sleep without her. It seems like she died, and if I am honest with myself, a part of her did in fact die. The part of her that ties us to her is gone. How do I get it back, Dad? I can’t force the situation. I can’t make her love me again. How do I live my life if she is no longer a part of it? How will the kids feel if she cannot relate to them as their mother? Kellie is only eight years old. She needs her mom in her life.”

  “You’ve seen how much Joey misses his mother. Ever since that day I brought him to visit her, he’s withdrawn from all of us. He comes home from school and stays in his room. We only see him at the dinner table. I know it hurt him deeply when Diane did not recognize him. My God, I wanted to cry when she asked who he was! You should have seen the look on his face! I want to scream why her? It should have been me!”

  My father shakes me hard to get my attention. “Ethan, listen to me. Focus on one thing at a time. First, you need to have an honest discussion with Diane. Do it today! Second, your mother and I will be with you when you speak to the kids. Don’t underestimate them, Ethan. They would do anything for their mother. Keep it simple. Once Diane is home if she feels uncomfortable, or if she doesn’t want to live with all of you, she can stay with us. Give her space Ethan. If you crowd her, it will only make her nervous.”

  *****

  Everything my father said to me makes sense. Tell that to my heart, because no matter what I do or say, it will not fill the void that I carry like an anchor around my neck. Before I see Diane, I go back to my office to take a shower and brush my teeth. I smell like vomit, and I don’t want her to see me like this. The hot shower does nothing to relax me. My nerves are as tight as a bowstring. I know that I must be honest with my wife. I know it, and yet, I don’t want to face my new reality.

  I want to live in a world where everything is perfect. I want to live in a world where my children are happy and productive. They won’t be happy, and there is nothing I can do to protect them. I have no clean clothes in my office, so I grab a pair of scrubs and clogs. At least I no longer smell like a toilet. When I return to Diane’s room, my parents are in the process of saying goodbye. Diane looks at me and frowns. She knows something is wrong.

  My mother hugs me tightly and whispers in my ear, “I love you, sweetheart. Come home early, and we’ll help you talk to the kids.”

  My father also hugs me. “Love you, son. Speak to her.”

  As I watch my parents leave, my anxiety ramps up a thousand times. I walk over to the window and look down on the parking lot. My mind races as I try to focus my thoughts, and that’s when I hear Diane calling my name.

  “Ethan, what's wrong? Why did you run out of the room?”

  The time has come to face my worse fear. I turn around and sit in the chair next to Diane’s bed. It takes me a few minutes to speak, and when I do, I tell her the truth. “When my mom called you the daughter of her heart, I couldn’t handle it, and I felt sick. I ran to the bathroom and became ill. My dad followed me and helped me to understand what I need to do. I couldn’t come back here with my clothes smelling foul, so I took a shower and brushed my teeth.”

  “What made you sick? Did I do something to make you sick?”

  “No, honey. It’s not you. It’s me. I’m avoiding this conversation because I have been hoping for a miracle. It’s been over two months since the accident, and you have not regained your memory. I am scared, Diane. I am terri
fied that you will not come home with us. We’ve never talked about what happens after you leave the hospital. The casts are coming off tomorrow, and once you are steady on your feet, you will be released pending outpatient therapy.”

  “I need to know if you want to come home with me. Kellie and Joey do not fully understand the extent of your injury. My parents and I will have a discussion with them tonight. They need to know that if you do decide to come home with me, it won’t change the fact that you do not remember them. I have to protect our children, Diane. I don’t want them always trying to force your memories to return. It’s not fair to them, or to you. I don’t want them putting pressure on you. It will be hard enough living in our home because it will feel foreign to you. I need to know what you are thinking. Please, Diane, be honest with me. If you want to live somewhere else, I can arrange that for you.”

  I sit and wait while she digests what I’ve said. I was honest, but not totally honest with her. I’ve kept my personal feelings to myself. No need making her feel like shit. Several minutes pass before she responds.

  “I’ve thought of nothing else for the past few weeks. How would I feel living in a house that I don’t remember? Will I feel awkward being around…your…our….children? See, this is what I was afraid of happening. I can’t call them my children. Does that make me a horrible person? It’s the same with you, Ethan. I can’t call you my husband. You are still a stranger to me. You haven’t told me much of our life together. I see you as a doctor, and nothing more.”

  “Will I feel uncomfortable going home with you? Yes, I will, but I have nowhere else to go. I need help with my therapy. I can’t live by myself, and even if I could, I don’t remember how to take care of myself. So, I have no choice but to live with all of you. I need to re-learn everything. I am just starting to read at a grade school level, and my writing skills need a lot of work. I still don’t understand how I can communicate so clearly, and yet, I still have trouble reading and writing?”

  Well, fuck me! She needs me, and I cannot be selfish about this. It’s not her fault the fucker hit her, and if I have to suck it up and do what’s right for her, I will. “I understand your fear, Diane, and to be honest, I’m also afraid of what will happen when you come home. I will have to move you out of our bedroom and set up a bedroom for you in the family room. You will need a private space, and the steps will be too much for you for the next few months. Let’s just take it one day at a time. When you have completed your therapy, we can discuss going out on a date. Just the two of us, and I will tell you more about our life together. Remember what I said before Diane; I refuse to lose you. I will always love you, with or without your memories. You are still the same beautiful woman that I married twenty-two years ago.”

  “How can you say that to me? It’s obvious I’ve changed, and not for the better. I’m afraid I’ll never be the same again, and it scares me.”

  It’s so simple; it’s ridiculous. My father’s words come back to me. “The heart never forgets, Diane. Somewhere deep within you holds memories that have been temporarily taken from you. The heart wants what the heart wants, and I want…you.”

  “Wow, were you always such a smooth talker? You have me almost believing everything will be okay.”

  “It will be okay as long as we are together. If I haven’t told you lately, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I only ask that you continue seeing the psychologist. The doctor will be able to help you to accept and learn to live with your new reality. You can always come to me, or my parents, if you need to talk about anything. We will help you get through this Diane because our life is not complete without you.” I’ve said all I can say without crying like a fucking baby, and get up to leave. Once again, she stops me.

  “Thank you, Ethan. You have made this situation easier to accept with your honesty. Will you be here tomorrow when they remove the casts? Can you bring Kellie and Joey to visit me tomorrow? I would like to speak to them.”

  I smile at her. “Where else would we be?” I bend down to kiss her forehead. “Goodnight Diane. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Goodnight Ethan.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Ethan

  My head feels like a jackhammer is doing a happy dance around my skull, and I still have to face my children. How many aspirins can I take without overdosing? I take the longest possible route home, which gives me time to run the conversation in my mind a few dozen times. No matter how I phrase it, the truth is what it is, and all of us need a healthy dose of reality. Today is the day to face a different future. My daughter is laying on the grass reading a book, and when she sees me get out of the car, she plows into me. I pick her up and spin her around a few times. She is laughing, and it’s music to my ears.

  “Daddy, you’re home early. Did you see Mommy?”

  “I did, munchkin, and I need to tell you and Joey a few things after dinner. Are Granny and Gramps in the house?”

  “Yeah. Granny helped me with my math. I was confused, and she knew everything. I wish Mommy were here to help me. When is she coming home?”

  “After we eat dinner, I’ll tell you everything.”

  “You know Daddy; I’m not a baby. You can tell me sad things, and I won’t cry, I promise.”

  “I know you’re not a baby, but what I have to say is important, and I want Joey to hear it too. Now, pick up your mess and wash your hands. I’m sure Granny has dinner ready.”

  “Okay, but you better tell me soon. You know I am not a patient kid!”

  All I can do is laugh. Where does Kellie get this shit from? I think she watches too much television, or her little friends are monsters in disguise. When I walk into the kitchen, I am overwhelmed with the smell of homemade sauce, meatballs, and sausage. God bless my mother. She is an expert on comfort food, and tonight we will need it. Dinner is loud and animated. Kellie rambles on and on about the latest boy in her class who picks on the girls. She wants to have a sleepover, and she wants me to buy her a puppy. My little girl is not shy in expressing what she wants. Joey contemplates asking a girl to his senior prom and wants to know if I can go with him to get a new suit. It makes me happy and sad at the same time to see my children adjusting to the current situation. After dinner, I ask everyone to follow me to the living room. My father sits next to Joey, and my mother has Kellie sitting on her lap.

  “I have good news for everyone. Mom’s casts are coming off tomorrow, and she wants to see Kellie and Joey, but there are a few things we need to discuss first. I had a long talk with Mommy today, and she still does not remember us. We talked about what will happen when she is released from the hospital.”

  “Is she coming home?” Joey asks.

  “Well, that’s what I want to discuss with you. Your mother is afraid to come home with me because she doesn’t remember this house. Imagine how you would feel if you lived in a strange new house and didn’t know anyone.”

  “But we know who she is Daddy!” Kellie cries out.

  “Yes we do, honey, but she doesn’t know us. She will feel awkward and uncomfortable when she comes home. I’ve decided to turn the family room into a bedroom for her. It will be difficult climbing the stairs for a few weeks, and it will be easier for her moving around the house with a walker.”

  “What happens once she comes home?” My mother asks me.

  “Diane will need a few months of physical therapy. She still needs to see the psychologist, who will help her to adjust to life without her memories. I want all of us to be aware of her feelings. I don’t want any of us putting pressure on her to remember. That means no forced conversations, and I don’t want anyone showing her pictures if she doesn’t want to see them. I don’t want anyone making her feel sad by reminding her of what she had lost.”

  I look at my children. “This is especially important for the two of you. I don’t want you to call your mother, Mom. You can call her Diane.”

  “I don’t understand why I can’t call her Mommy. Doesn’t she love us anymore?” />
  My daughter is on the verge of tears. I walk over to Kellie and sit next to her. I need to keep this simple. She does not understand. I grab a piece of paper and her crayons. Maybe something visual will help her to understand. I draw the shape of a head, and I make squiggly lines which represent the brain. I segregate sections of the brain that affect memory and color those areas red. Kellie is watching me, and I pray she understands.

  “This is a picture of Mommy’s brain. The red area is where Mommy got hurt. Do you see how all of the red areas are in the front of the head? The red area is where we store our memories. Do you remember last year when you had trouble with math? You studied really hard all weekend and yet when you were in school, you forgot everything.”

  Kellie nods her head yes. She is listening to me. “When Mommy got hurt, her brain lost her memories, just like you forgot your math lessons. Her brain has to get better and maybe her memories will come back to her. She wants to remember us, but she can’t honey. Her head hurts sometimes, and we have to be patient until she feels better. She needs us to help her because she can’t remember how to do other things, like cook, and drive a car. She needs us to help her learn how to read and write.”

  “Mommy forgot how to read and write? I can help her learn the alphabet,” Kellie said.

  “And I can help her with reading, and math,” Joey said.

  “And I can help her learn how to cook,” my mother said.

  “And I can help her on those days when she feels lost and confused,” my dad said.

  This is good. We are all united with one goal in mind, and that is to do everything possible to help Diane.

  “But what happens if her head never gets better,” Kellie asks me. “Will she leave us and go somewhere else to live?”

  Good question sweetheart. I’d like to know the answer to that one, too. “No, your mother will not live somewhere else. She belongs here with us, and we will always love and take care of her. I want you to remember that while we have our memories, she doesn’t, so for the foreseeable future, you need to call her by her name, and not Mom.”